In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!
Orson Welles
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Recycling
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
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The difference between the Pope and your boss.... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
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The difference between the Pope and your boss.... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
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Henry J
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
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This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Think!
Think some more!!
You're gonna love it......
ANSWER: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
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This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first Diamondbacks baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?
Think!
Think some more!!
You're gonna love it......
ANSWER: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Three absent-minded professors were talking together in a bus terminal. They got so engrossed in what they were saying that they didn't notice the bus had pulled in.
As the driver sang out, "All aboard," they looked up startled and dashed from the platform. Two of them managed to hop on the bus, but the third didn't make it.
As he stood sadly watching the bus disappear into the distance, a stranger tried to cheer him up, saying, "You shouldn't feel too bad. Two out of three made it, and that's a pretty good average."
The professor shook his head. "But THEY came to see ME off."
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As the driver sang out, "All aboard," they looked up startled and dashed from the platform. Two of them managed to hop on the bus, but the third didn't make it.
As he stood sadly watching the bus disappear into the distance, a stranger tried to cheer him up, saying, "You shouldn't feel too bad. Two out of three made it, and that's a pretty good average."
The professor shook his head. "But THEY came to see ME off."
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
HOW TO PHOTOGRAPH A NEW PUPPY
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
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1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Success is dependent on effort.
Sophocles
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Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
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Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
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Sophocles
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Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862)
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Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
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Henry J
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Carolyn: It's SW's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked him what he wanted for a present.
Charlotte: What'd he ask for?
Carolyn: He said, "I don't know. Surprise me. Give me something with diamonds in it." That's why I'm giving him a deck of playing cards.
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(I guess she thought it would suit him!)
Charlotte: What'd he ask for?
Carolyn: He said, "I don't know. Surprise me. Give me something with diamonds in it." That's why I'm giving him a deck of playing cards.
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(I guess she thought it would suit him!)
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Q: Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey
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A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey
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Henry J
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
The Southern 10 Commandments
1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.
2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
3. Y'all shalt not sass your mama.
4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.
6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.
9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.
10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.
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Ya'll come back now, ya hear?
1. Y'all shalt always remember your manners.
2. Y'all shalt make no fuss over yourself.
3. Y'all shalt not sass your mama.
4. Y'all shalt always wonder what your daddy would think.
5. Y'all shalt always talk the way you grow'ed up.
6. Y'all shalt tell no whoppers unless you are in a situation where you are expected to.
7. Y'all shalt demonstrate your great faith by the way you drive.
8. Y'all shalt always clean your plate.
9. Y'all shalt hold kinfolk in high regard, regardless of what you really think of 'em.
10. Y'all shalt always remember where you come from.
*****
Ya'll come back now, ya hear?
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Even if you're not a grandparent you will enjoy this. A teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their vacation.
One child wrote the following:
We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
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One child wrote the following:
We always spend our vacation with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big, brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida and now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people.
They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. At their gate there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.
My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
Some of the people can't get past the man in the dollhouse to go out, so the ones who get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded one day, too.
When I earn my retardment I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
(Also, if it's elementary, then it's chemistry.)
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.
(Also, if it's elementary, then it's chemistry.)
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Machines should work. People should think.
--IBM's Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment
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--IBM's Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management.
--The Dilbert Principle
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.
--Ralph's Observation
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
--Cannon's Comment
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A big challenge of running a small business is dealing with employees' requests for time off.
One morning an employee said, "I need to leave early tomorrow."
Later that same day, he followed with, "Looks like I'll be coming in late tomorrow, but if my coming in late runs into my leaving early, then I won't be in at all."
*I think I used to work with that guy*
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One morning an employee said, "I need to leave early tomorrow."
Later that same day, he followed with, "Looks like I'll be coming in late tomorrow, but if my coming in late runs into my leaving early, then I won't be in at all."
*I think I used to work with that guy*
*****
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lswot
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- Location:California
Re: Recycling
does sound familiar.
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Some guy is claiming that a tonic of beer and urine will improve your garden.
Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests?
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Show me a man who comes home in the evening, is greeted by a smile, is encouraged to take off his shoes, has pillows arranged on the floor for him, and is served a delicious meal - and I'll show you a man who lives in a Japanese restaurant!
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Come on, if that was true, wouldn't frat houses be like tropical rain forests?
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Show me a man who comes home in the evening, is greeted by a smile, is encouraged to take off his shoes, has pillows arranged on the floor for him, and is served a delicious meal - and I'll show you a man who lives in a Japanese restaurant!
*****