Recycling

[Henry J]

Rehab Is for Quitters.

My Dog Can Lick Anyone.

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Police station toilet stolen .... Cops have nothing to go on.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in gosh.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

*****

[Henry J]

Some Of The Worst News Headlines (1 of 2)

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
[Just how big was that violin?]

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
[So who's gonna take his confession?]

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
[So what are girl scout cookies made of?]

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
[Is that the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but?]

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
[De plane! De plane!]

Stolen Painting Found by Tree
[Hope they didn't have to go out on a limb to find it!]

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter
[No wonder those lines sometimes go so slow!]

[Henry J]

Some Of The Worst News Headlines (2 of 2)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[At least until they get hold of some duct tape!]

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[The situation sounds grave!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[So what are girl scout cookies made of? (Can I help it if that line fit two of them?)]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Sounds like a tall order!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[Shocking! Electrifying, even!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
[Then the negotiators better give it 110%, to avoid that outcome!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[That's probably just a matter of degree.]

[Henry J]

MILITARY WISDOM (1 of 2)

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - Gen.Mac Arthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

MILITARY WISDOM (2 of 2)

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"Gwa-ah-ah-lee!" - G. Pyle

[Henry J]

Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent."

"Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving mother."

"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her with you."

*****

[Henry J]

Teacher: If you had $1.00 and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have.

Little Johnny: "I would have $1.00!"

Teacher: "You don't know your arithmetic."

Little Johnny: "You don't know my father!"

*****

[Henry J]

Nothing is comprehensible except by virtue of its edges.

Indian Proverb

*****

Nothing else in the world... not all the armies... is so powerful as an idea whose time has come.

Victor Hugo

*****

Newspapers are unable, seemingly, to discriminate between a bicycle accident and the collapse of civilization.

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

*****

Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.

Kin Hubbard

*****

[Henry J]

Jewish Buddhism (part 1 of 2)

*Take only what is given.
Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.
Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

*Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that!

*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?

*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle.
What were you thinking?

*Learn of the pine from the pine.
Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.
Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

*Be aware of your body.
Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

*Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

*Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.

[Henry J]

Jewish Buddhism (part 2 of 2)

*The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao is not Jewish.

*Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip, joy.
With the second, satisfaction.
With the third, Danish.

*Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

*To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions.
Argue.

*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have?

*****

[Henry J]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SOUTH IN JULY WHEN...

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

You can make sun tea instantly.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*****

(And having once lived in South Carolina, I can relate to some of those! )

[Henry J]

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by passed gas so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, "As a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."

*****

[lswot]

Neigh, neigh

[Henry J]

Hay, hay!