Recycling

[Henry J]

The harpist got the lucrative booking by PULLING STRINGS.

For its new animals, the zoo had to pay a BEASTLY SUM.

[Henry J]

To increase business, the dry cleaners introduced a NEW WRINKLE.

"I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.

[Henry J]

CASTANET: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie girl friend.

Eschew redundant obsuscation!

[Xjmt]

"CASTANET"?

[Henry J]

SERIAL PORT:
(1) Breakfast wine
(2) Where boats load grain

Hard drive: a long road trip.

Antivirus: chicken soup.

Nibble: half a byte.

Byte: a bit to eat while looking out the Window.

Bit: a number for people who can't count very high.

[Henry J]

Medical Definition:

COPULATION: The number of policemen in the area.

DIAGNOSTIC: A couple who didn't know if there is a God.

DIAGNOSTIC: Someone who didn't believe in the Roman hunting goddess.

NINTENDINITIS: Digital joint pain caused by playing too many video games.

********

[Henry J]

THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!) (1 of 4)

Never give yourself a haircut after three martinis. (Hair today, gone tomorrow?)

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Any and all compliments can be handled by simply saying, "Thank you," although it helps if you say it with a SOUTHERN accent.

No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.

Some people are working backstage, some are playing in the orchestra, some are on stage singing, some are in the audience as critics, and some are there to applaud. Know who and where you are.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

[Henry J]

THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!) (2 of 4)

Never continue dating anyone whom is rude to the waiter.

A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

If you tell a lie, don't believe it deceives only the other person. (Tangled web, and all that.)

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right". (Sorry about that, Chief!)

When you make a mistake, make amends immediately! It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. (Depends on the recipe.)

The only really good advice that I remember my mother ever gave me was "Go! You might meet somebody!" (But who? )

[Henry J]

THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!) (3 of 4)

If your date says that you are too good for him or her; believe it. (Say what? Say what?)

I've learned to pick my battles. I ask myself:
Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month?
One week?
One day?
One bleem?

The shortest line is always the longest. (It's short cause other people have left it for other lines! )

Never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom.

If you move far from your family when you're young, consider choosing a career with an airline. Your need to see your family will last a lifetime, as will your travel benefits.

[Henry J]

THINGS WE ALL SHOULD KNOW...(and most of us don't!) (4 of 4)

Living well really is the best revenge.

Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.

Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed urinal and hold your hand.

Work is good but it's not important!

Never underestimate the kindness of your fellow man.

And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond all of the imperfections.

*****

[Henry J]

One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog sitting right behind the boy.

The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?"

"No," replied the boy.

Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.

The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"

"He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"

(Reminds me of a scene in one of the Inspector Clousseau movies. )

[Henry J]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, the minister asked for a show of hands from those who read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

********

(Well, I guess that one hit the Mark!)

[Henry J]

Her mother decided that 10-year-old Susie should get something practical for her birthday. "Suppose we open a savings account for you?" she suggested.

Susie was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," Susie's mother said as they entered the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Susie was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank".

With just a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy".

******

[Henry J]

My wife and I often take car trips to the U.S. from our home in Canada. Since my wife's family lives in the U.S. we often find ourselves returning home with gifts we've received for birthdays or other holidays...

This past Christmas holiday season we were stopped at the border, where the guard asked me the value of any goods we had to claim.

I paused to think of the value of everything that we had with us.

"Never mind," the guard said, "what's the most expensive thing in your car?"

Without hesitation, I replied, "My wife."

******

[Henry J]

This is a parody of the Myer's-Brigg personality test, which is based on Jungian personality typology. I didn't know what all the letter designations

If you really *must* know the descriptions, you can get them here, and even take a test to see what you are:

http://www.keirsey.com

MYER'S-BRIGG PRAYERS

ISTJ: Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41:23 A.M. E.S.T.

ISTP: God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

ESTP: God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.

ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).

ESFP: God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

ESFJ: God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW.

INFJ: Lord, help me not to be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta

ENFP: God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look a bird! - at a time.

ENFJ: God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?

INTJ: Lord, keep me open to other's ideas, *wrong* though they may be.

INTP: Lord, help me to be less independent, but let me do it my way.

ENTP: Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

******