Recycling

[Henry J]

CONFUCIUS SAY ...

"Man who run in front of car get tired."

"Man who run behind car get exhausted."

"Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do."

"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."

"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."

"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement."

"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."

*****

(Or so I've read somewhere, but OTOH, several of those depend on word similarities in the English language, and several of them depend on inventions that were after his time. )

[Henry J]

John got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the Mrs.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs" he shouted.

"Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down

"I can't" he said "I've drank it!"

*****

[Henry J]

It was the first day of school. As the principal made his rounds, he heard a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms.

He rushed in and spotted one boy, taller than the others, who seemed to be making the most noise.

He seized the lad, dragged him to the hall, and told him to wait there until he was excused.

Returning to the classroom, the principal restored order and lectured the class for ten minutes about the importance of good behavior.

"Now," he said, "are there any questions?"

One girl raised her hand and spoke up timidly. "Please sir," she asked, "May we have our teacher back?"

[Henry J]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look, mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving hearses for the past 25 years"

*****

[Henry J]

A defense attorney said to the judge, "Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."

Speaking through an interpreter, the Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "Sir, how much English can you speak?"

The defendant looked up and said, ..."Give me your wallet!"

*****

[Henry J]

Top 10 Signs You Were Ripped Off Buying That New Computer
(Probably from the "Top 10" list)

10. You have to pedal it.

9. When you insert a disk, it disappears and a loud "burp" follows.

8. Lower corner of the screen has the words "Etch a Sketch" on it.

7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good Luck!"

6. The only chip inside is a Dorrito.

5. Whenever you turn it on, all the neighborhood dogs begin howling.

4. The monitor is made up of a blackboard and chalk.

3. Instead of a keyboard, it came with a Ouija board.

2. There's a "AA Batteries Not Included" sticker on the front.

And the #1 sign that you were ripped off buying that new computer...

1. The computer mouse came in a cage and has fur.

*****

(Squeak!)

[Henry J]

.........
My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing just how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage in public. She does this because she finds it fun and because drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she nearly got me fired.

We had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this unusual, since she had never expressed an interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.

We arrived at my workbench, where I'm currently trying to figure out why the board on which I'm working is not performing the way I designed it.

I reached over to turn on the scope, failing to notice the huge studded black leather collar she produced from her purse. Before I could even blink (it is amazing the speed at which she could do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of a 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench (where there just happened to be a mounting hole). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape. "I'll be back for you at five," she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!!?!? I yelled in a hushed voice. "HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS???"
"You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage. "You always do."
"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered.
"Don't give me that," she said. "I've seen you go for a whole day without visiting the bathroom."
"But...," I tried to say.
"SHHH! Subject closed! I'll be back at five. Bye."

She turned and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think myself out of my situation. I tried to think of all the people who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to say if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 1:30. "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a sigh, and got to work, such as I could.
As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be pretty hard not to), and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would say if my supervisor saw it. I said I hadn't the faintest idea.
One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get a collar like the one I had), settled down to work in silence.

After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem on the board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me reading my thoughts, for not more than two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. Not just any boss. Nooooooo. It was Mr. Narrowminded himself.

His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all its splendor. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar.
Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy next to me was going to have a seizure stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.

Finally he spoke.

"What. The. HELL! Is. That??!" he said.
I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until just as I was saying it.
I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat.

"Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work.

The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.

.........

[Henry J]

A burglar broke into the house of an Amish man in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Amish man heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but Thou standest where I am about to shoot!"

******

(And, I doubt that thing has a stun setting! )

[Henry J]

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

*****

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

*****

[Henry J]

The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."

"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

******

[Henry J]

Time marches on

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,“SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.”;

WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE:

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

”YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,” HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

“WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?” I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, “IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?”;

“YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!” I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-(censored)

ASKED,

”WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?”;

[Henry J]

”WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?”;

Ancient history? (Nah, that subject is outdated)

Archaeology? (Nah, their careers lie in ruins)

Anthropology? (Nah, can't study people who didn't leave records)

Paleontology? (Nah, they've always got a bone to pick)

Astronomy? (Nah, in that subject the overhead is too high)

Geology? (Nah, rock science is hard. Don't take it for granite, though.)

Chemistry? (Nah, too elementary - 118 times elementary)

Physics? (Nah, too much uncertainty. Just ask Heisenberg. Or his cat.)

[Henry J]

Kid's rules for life.... (part 1 of 3)

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9

*****

[Henry J]

Kid's rules for life.... (part 2 of 3)

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11

*****

[Henry J]

Kid's rules for life.... (part 3 of 3)

Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8

Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house.
Joanne, Age 11

*****