Recycling

[Henry J]

Golf, part FORE!

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.

An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.

Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.

******

[Henry J]

Mark Twain (or at least what is attributed to him) (1 of 3)

Substitute “damn” every time you’re inclined to write “very”; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

It is wiser to find out than suppose.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear.

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—it’s the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.

History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it—and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

[Henry J]

Mark Twain (or at least what is attributed to him) (2 of 3)

It is best to read the weather forecasts before we pray for rain.

A good walk spoiled. (Definition of golf.)

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

For in a Republic, who is “the country”? Is it the Government which is for the moment in the saddle? Why, the Government is merely a servant—merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn’t. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them.

There isn’t a parallel of latitude but thinks it would have been the equator if it had had its rights.

Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion—several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn’t straight.

[Henry J]

Mark Twain (or at least what is attributed to him) (3 of 3)

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

My body is my own, at least I have always so regarded it. If I do harm...it is I who suffers, not the state.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Faith is believing what you know ain't so.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good reason

[Henry J]

***

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison.
So, the old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament..
Shortly, he received this reply, "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was, "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

***

[Henry J]

"How To Install Software
A 12-Step Program" by Dave Barry
(from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace")

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS:
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says: LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's early light... finders keepers, losers weepers...

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable.

Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
+---------+.....+----------+
|...YES...|.....|...SURE...|
+---------+.....+----------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha.."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$*^^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Tech Support Hotline # listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

------------------

[Isn't modern technology wunnerful?]

[Henry J]

*

(Serious groaner)

Brewster the Rooster

My Uncle John was in the fertilized egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

My uncle kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the stew pot and was replaced.
Now this took an awful lot of time. So my uncle got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit and fill out an efficiency report by listening to the sound of the bells.

My uncle's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was but his bell had not rung all morning. Uncle John went to investigate. Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing.

Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up to a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Uncle John was so proud, he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges awarded Brewster two prizes,

1) The No Bell Prize

and

2) The Pullet Surprise.

*

[Henry J]

> Spell Check
>
> Eye halve a spelling chequer
> It came with my pea sea
> It plainly marques four my revue
> Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
>
> Eye strike a key and type a word
> And weight four it two say
> Weather eye am wrong oar write
> It shows me strait a weigh.
>
> As soon as a mist ache is maid
> It nose bee fore two long
> And eye can put the error rite
> Its rare lea ever wrong.
>
> Eye have run this poem threw it
> I am shore your pleased two no
> Its letter perfect awl the weigh
> My chequer tolled me sew.
>
> -Sauce unknown-

[Henry J]

For all of you that can't see the value of Daylight savings time:

September 1999, Jerusalem.

In most parts of the world, the switch away from Daylight Savings Time proceeds smoothly. But the time change raised havoc with Palestinian terrorists this year.

Israel insisted on a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time to accommodate a week of pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to live on "Zionist Time."
Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. Nobody knew the "correct" time. At precisely 5:30pm on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the explosions. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set to detonate on Daylight Savings Time. But the confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time. When they picked up the bombs, they neglected to ask whose watch was used to set the timing mechanism. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering the terrorists to their untimely demises.

*****

[OOPS!]

[Henry J]

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Rich Cook

*****

Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. ... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.

Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) - The Devil's Dictionary, 1911

*****

[Henry J]

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place....

The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."

*****

[Henry J]

WHAT MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM -"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

*****

[Henry J]

Subject: History (1 of 5)

Below is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by History Teachers of U.S. Students from 8th grade through college.

1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3) Moses led the hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

6) Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

[Henry J]

Subject: History (2 of 5)

Below is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by History Teachers of U.S. Students from 8th grade through college.

7) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

9) Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11) Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

12) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

13) Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

[Henry J]

Subject: History (3 of 5)

Below is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by History Teachers of U.S. Students from 8th grade through college.

14) In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

15) Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

16) Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

17) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

18) The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

19) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.