Subject: History (FORE of 5)
Below is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by History Teachers of U.S. Students from 8th grade through college.
20) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
21) Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
22) One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
23) Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
24) Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
25) Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Recycling
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Subject: History (Take 5)
Below is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by History Teachers of U.S. Students from 8th grade through college.
26) Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
27) Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
28) Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
29) The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
30) The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31) The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Below is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by History Teachers of U.S. Students from 8th grade through college.
26) Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
27) Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
28) Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
29) The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
30) The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31) The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
*****
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
*****
Thank you for calling VeriCom Customer Care. If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press or say, "One."
If you are calling from a rotary-dial phone, please stay on the line while a customer care representative makes mocking, derisive faces.
Para asistencia en espa�ol, go to South America* and try your call again.
*****
*But not Brazil, of course.
Thank you for calling VeriCom Customer Care. If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press or say, "One."
If you are calling from a rotary-dial phone, please stay on the line while a customer care representative makes mocking, derisive faces.
Para asistencia en espa�ol, go to South America* and try your call again.
*****
*But not Brazil, of course.
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Subject: English?
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.
It was passed on by a linguist, the original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.
It was passed on by a linguist, the original author unknown. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
*****
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor is there ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible
PS Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
*****
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor is there ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible
PS Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
*****
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brian
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Re: Recycling
Q: What did the hipster say the day after Thanksgiving?
A: I liked the leftovers before they were cool.
Evelyn: What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?
John: I don’t know. What?
Evelyn: Lucky.
Q: What's the best song to sing when preparing your turkey?
A: "All About That Baste."
A: I liked the leftovers before they were cool.
Evelyn: What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?
John: I don’t know. What?
Evelyn: Lucky.
Q: What's the best song to sing when preparing your turkey?
A: "All About That Baste."
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."-- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
*****
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
*****
There's only one me, and I'm stuck with him.
Robert L. Stanfield
*****
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
*****
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
*****
eschew obfuscation!
*****
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
*****
There's only one me, and I'm stuck with him.
Robert L. Stanfield
*****
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)
*****
There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
Winston Churchill, Sir (1874-1965)
*****
eschew obfuscation!
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
From someplace on internet:
-------------------------------
My favorite Turkey recipe
a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's rear end blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.
*****
(Warning: Do not try this at home! )
==============
-------------------------------
My favorite Turkey recipe
a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's rear end blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.
*****
(Warning: Do not try this at home! )
==============
-
Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead it will be a decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning, do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful.
==============
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead it will be a decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning, do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
I am thankful.
==============
-
Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. [But at least it doesn't lead to the dark side!]
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding. [Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder?]
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. [As long as they don't wear capes]
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. [SQUEAK!]
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. [Cheeping is for the birds]
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding. [Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder?]
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. [As long as they don't wear capes]
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. [SQUEAK!]
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. [Cheeping is for the birds]
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. [But did she win the lottery?]
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. [Not me; I tend to drive slow]
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. [What's for dinner? Leftover turkey?]
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? [Cause she wouldn't be popular without them? Besides, they are her Ken folk.]
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! [Don't rock the boat?]
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. [Not me; I tend to drive slow]
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy. [What's for dinner? Leftover turkey?]
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? [Cause she wouldn't be popular without them? Besides, they are her Ken folk.]
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough! [Don't rock the boat?]
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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Re: Recycling
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! [Too late?]
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. [So live in one of the other 13?]
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. [But watch out for that uncertainty principle.]
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. [And they out-mass and outnumber us.]
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. [Or in England or Australia?]
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States. [So live in one of the other 13?]
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. [But watch out for that uncertainty principle.]
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. [And they out-mass and outnumber us.]
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. [Or in England or Australia?]
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. [But in software engineering, lazy is a virtue.]
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? ["Beer bad" - Xander Harris, while working as a bartender.]
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. [Error... Error... Error...]
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. [Then they look for vacation from it?]
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. [They want to take a nap?]
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence? ["Beer bad" - Xander Harris, while working as a bartender.]
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. [Error... Error... Error...]
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. [Then they look for vacation from it?]
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. [They want to take a nap?]
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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Re: Recycling
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. [Out of my mind. Be back in 5 minutes.]
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. [But let's see what develops.]
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! [To hair is human.]
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? [It stays blue; those things are plastic, anyway.]
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? [That sounds like a Major Problem.]
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. [But let's see what develops.]
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! [To hair is human.]
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? [It stays blue; those things are plastic, anyway.]
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? [That sounds like a Major Problem.]