Recycling

[Henry J]

What happens if you get scared half to death twice? [Depends how much time between the two!]

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. [Hare today, gone tomorrow?]

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. [Well doggone!]

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. [Brain brain what is brain?]

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. [Oh put a muffler on it!]

[Henry J]

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. [Where's that flashlight?]

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? [Use a decoder ring?]

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. [Where's the beef?]

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? [And why don't they win the lottery?]

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! [Only when they're in season.]

[Henry J]

Subject: metric conversion

10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millionaires = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickles = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox

*****

[That last one could use peer review, to avoid missing the boat! OTOH, I though a paradox was two medics in an ambulance... ]

[As for the once about nickels: change is inevitable. Except from vending machines. ]

[A nanometer is a device for measuring Orkan greetings.]

[Henry J]

What happened when the lady vampire met the man vampire?

It was love at first bite!

--------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a dumb skeleton?

A numbskull!

--------------------------------------------------------
What do short-sighted ghosts wear?

Spookacles!!

--------------------------------------------------------
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

Because he had nobody to go with.

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the vampire that swallowed a sheep?

He said he felt baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

--------------------------------------------------------
What room can a skeleton not go in?

A living-room!

--------------------------------------------------------
And did you hear about the smuggler that saw a ghost?

It was the ghostguard.

--------------------------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Why did the ghost cross the road?

To get to the Body Shop!!

--------------------------------------------------------
What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It's a pain in the neck.

[Just ask Buffy!]

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear what happened when the ghosts went on strike?

A skeleton staff took over.

--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the skeleton refuse to go to the monsters' party?

Because he knew no body would dance with him.

--------------------------------------------------------
What is the tallest building in Transylvania?

The Vampire State Building.

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the musical ghost?

He wrote haunting melodies.

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the two skeletons that always argued?

Seems they always had a bone to pick.

[Why, did they used to be paleontologists? ]

--------------------------------------------------------

[Henry J]

Did you hear about the vampire who liked ballroom dancing?

He especially liked the vaultz.

--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the ghost who works at Scotland Yard?

He's the Chief in-spectre.

--------------------------------------------------------
What instrument do skeletons play?

Trom-BONE

--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a cow with a ghost?

Vanishing cream!

[I see!]

--------------------------------------------------------
What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle?

I'm bone to be wild!

[Ghost Rider? Like in the movie? ]

--------------------------------------------------------
What ghost haunted King George III?

The spirit of '76!

--------------------------------------------------------
Where does a ghost go on vacation?

Mali-booooooooooooooooooo!

--------------------------------------------------------

[Henry J]

What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?

Spare ribs

--------------------------------------------------------
What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?

Booooooooties!

--------------------------------------------------------
When does a skeleton laugh?

When something tickles his funny bone.

[BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Ha? ]

--------------------------------------------------------
What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?

Booooooooooo booooooooooooos

[Smarter than average bears? ]

--------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboooooo

[Okay, but watch out for pandas! ]

--------------------------------------------------------
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Dayscare centers.

--------------------------------------------------------
What do skeletons say before they eat?

Bone appetit!

--------------------------------------------------------

[Henry J]

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or tell you to get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!"

*****

[Do I sense an ulterior motive? ]

[Henry J]

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says,

"Hey, Mr. Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a carpenter?"

*****

[QUACK!]

[Henry J]

Gordon is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "Shucks! Sorry I talked so long, y'all. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says, "They's a calendar a-hind ya."
*****

(Is that an example of temporal mechanics?)

[Henry J]

GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR

Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the "The Osbournes," "Survivor" and "Texas Chain Saw Massacre."

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination's region.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house.

*****

(Why be quiet in church? Because people are sleeping! )

[Henry J]

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Anonymous

[Henry J]

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

*****

[Henry J]

FUNNY (and real) SIGNS
+++++++++++++++++
On a plumbing company's van:
"A flush beats a full house!"

A sign at a little restaurant:
"Eat here or we'll both starve"

In a hospital car park in Kitakyushu, Japan:
"Anyone found parking without a permit will be given an injection." [Well, shoot!]

Ohio road sign:
Prosperity 30 mi ->
<- Clinton 70 mi

In the bathroom of a mom and pop store:
"We aim to please, so, please, you aim too."

Sign on a retail store door:
PUSH,
if it doesn't open, PULL,
if it still doesn't open,
WE ARE CLOSED.

On a plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed." [Guess they get a LOT of business from the Huxtables, huh?]

*****

[Henry J]

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Another pizza shop slogan:
"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a dry cleaners:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.
Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."