Recycling

[Henry J]

In Modesto, CA, a man was arrested for trying to hold up a bank without a weapon.

He used a thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

[Henry J]

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.

When detectives asked each man to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

[Henry J]

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack of stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms.

"He was seen hopping and jumping around," said a police spokesman, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants."

Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

[Henry J]

LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
--------------------------
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

*****

[Well, it ya wanna add or subtract, there's the abacus, and if ya wanna multiply or divide, there's the slide rule.
If that's not enough, there's always pencil and paper!]

[Henry J]

Subject: Fw: One for the lawyers

Enjoy!!

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our ... loan?"

They got it

***

[Henry J]

Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Say things like, "This is the way we have always ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a Cost Analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
22. Do infomercial on how to make millions with dead horse, featuring testimonial from Joe Sixpack.

****

[Say, were these guys coworkers of Dilbert? Neigh.]

[Henry J]

****

Subject: Revenge is Sweet!

Beamer, Samuel wrote:
Revenge is sweet.

WRONG NUMBER

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.

The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"

A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.

She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.

Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.

Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.

People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.

Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."

Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."

****

[Henry J]

Finagle's Rules for Scientific Research

1. Do not believe in miracles--- rely on them.
2. Experiments must be reproducible--- they should all fail the same way.
3. Always verify your witchcraft. [Use spell check!]
4. First draw your curves, then plot your readings.
5. Be sure to obtain meteorological information before leaving on vacation. [weather or not!]
6. A record of data is useful--- it indicates that you've been working.
7. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
8. To study a subject best-- understand it thoroughly before you start.
9. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10. If everything is going according to plan - you've obviously overlooked something.
11. Never forget - If you've got a 50/50 chance of getting it right - You've got a 90% chance of getting it wrong! (aka - The 50/50-90 Rule!)
12. The Law of Universal Gravitation: A falling object tends toward the direction in which it can do maximal damage. [Heavy, man!]

*****

[Henry J]

A mathematician, testing the conjecture "All odd numbers greater than 1 are prime", considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is NOT prime -- so the conjecture is false."

A chemist considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is NOT prime; 11 is prime; 13 is prime -- there's some experimental error, but it seems true." [Elementary!]

An economist considered: "3 is prime; 5 is prime; 7 is prime; 9 is prime ..."

A mathematician had a fire in his kitchen. He filled a pot with water, and extinguished the fire.

The next day, he had another fire. This time there was a pot of water standing around. So he emptied the pot, thereby reducing the problem to one he had already solved.

*****

[Henry J]

THE AWESOME POWER OF THE WRITTEN WORD!

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

*****

[Henry J]

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

[Say what?]

[Henry J]

Then there were the two clerics who went into the restaurant business. Their specialty was fish & chips.

One of them was the fish friar; the other was the chip monk.

*****
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

*****

[Henry J]

Stories from Travel Agents:

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

[So, Coke instead of Pepsi?]

*****

[Henry J]

A man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay definitely required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

[Charge! ]

*****

[Henry J]

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent asks: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

[Is there a zoologist in the house... ]

*****