Recycling

[Henry J]

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR [Presumably not a compact!]

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR.

*****

[Henry J]

Rural computer terms
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do
14. Chip - Munches for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
16. Modem - What you did to the hay fields
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the kitty sleeps
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds
20. Hardware - The real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What eats the grain in the barn
22. Main frame - What holds the barn up
23. Enter - City talk for - "come on in, eh"
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - The barn or the attic
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - A repair kit for the torn window screen
29. Home Page - A map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the field
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - The person at the ABC that brings the food
32. Mail Server - The guy at the ABC that brings the food
33. MSDOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff
36. Browser - What they call you when your eyebrows grow together
37. Network - When you have to repair your fishing net
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
39. Netscape - When a fish maneuvers out of reach
40. Online - When you get the laundry hung out on the wash line
41. Off line - When the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground.

********

[Henry J]

*****
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time.

1. DUCT TAPE: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

2. VICE-GRIPS: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. SPRAY LUBRICANTS: A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of all time.

4. MARGARINE TUBS WITH CLEAR LIDS: If you spend all your time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

5. BIG ROCK AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD: Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

6. PLASTIC ZIP TIES: After twenty years of lashing down stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.

7. RIDICULOUSLY LARGE STANDARD SCREWDRIVER WITH LIFETIME GUARANTEE: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.

8. BAILING WIRE: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

9. BONKING STICK: This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod- end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10. A QUARTER (now its $0.35) AND A PHONE BOOTH: (See #1 above.)

*****

[Henry J]

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR (THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

*****

[Henry J]

"Biggest Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle"

1. Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the @#$%? box all day!

2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

7. Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. Men: Coworkers tend to stare when you loosen your pants to tuck in your shirt.

8. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

9. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

10. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

11. Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

*******

[Henry J]

anthropology - a branch of science that can lead to having a career in ruins.

antiparticle - (1) One who generalizes (i.e., is anti-particularization); (2) The sister of one of the parents of a particle.

astronomy - a branch of science that has a really high overhead.

Avogadro's Number: Unlisted
Avogadro used to have a number, but his moles kept chewing through the wires to his phone.
(mole - (1) Small rodent-like mammal. (2) An unlisted number of atoms or molecules of a substance. (3) Oops, I mean Avogadro's number of atoms or molecules of that substance. It has something to do with chemistry.)

barometer - Device for measuring the quality of a bar.

black hole - a natural phenomena that sometimes appears inside clothes washers/dryers that contain too many socks.

chemistry - a branch of science that's more elementary than the other branches.

[Henry J]

electron - (1) One of those little buggers that run around in your appliances, supplying them with energy; (2) A political slogan for somebody named Ron.

energy - Something I don't have enough of.

general relativity - Study of family trees of high ranking army officers.

imaginary number - A number they thunked up cuz they couldn't think of a real number that'd solve the problem.

irrational number - A number that needs therapy.

microwave - A very small goodbye.

momentum - The property of matter that makes it hard to get up in the morning.

neutrino - A little neutron.

neutron - A tron that isn't old.

[Henry J]

odometer - A device for detecting Changlings on your space station.

obfuscation - something that should be eschewed.

OHM - that's where the heart is...
ohm - (1) A unit of resistance; a person who hangs up on telemarketers has more ohms than one who buys stuff. (2) Where your electrician lives.

paleontology - a science in which specialists often have a bone to pick.

particle - One who particularizes.

preposition - Something to not end a sentence with.

proton - Somebody what's in favor of tons.

[Henry J]

Quark - A Ferengi bartender on a space station.

quark - an odd little habit
[And here I thought a little habit would be an outfit worn by a short nun?]

round tu-it - Something like a square tu-it, but with the corners shaved off. Example usage: "I'll do that when I get a round tu-it."

superconductor - A great employee of a railroad company.

TANGENT - George Hamilton

WATT - an electrical question [That's the current meaning, anyway]

wavelength - How long you wave when saying goodbye to somebody.

ZINC - where you wash the dishes. [It's elementary!]

*****

[Henry J]

How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler:
Make me.

Lab:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Newfoundland:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier:
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Irish Setter:
Huh?

Boxer:
Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark......

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua:
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound:
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.....

Pointer:
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there....

Greyhound:
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd:
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle....

Old English Sheep Dog:
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Hound Dog:
ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Cat:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: how long will it be before I can expect light?

*****

[Woof! Meow?]

[Henry J]

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him 'DOG'."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

*****

[Woof! Meow?]

[Henry J]

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up,moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path,takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path,jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my foot. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

*****

[Woof?]

[Henry J]

ANOTHER A LETTER FROM CAMP

Dear Mom & Dad:

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry. He is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Cole

PS How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

*****

(Oh what a tangled Webb did they weave... )

[Henry J]

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ...Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job"

7. My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

*****

[Henry J]

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

8. My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me".

9. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

10. My Mother taught me about SEX....
"How do you think you got here?"

11. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

12. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

13. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand.

14. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.... Then you'll see what it's like."

*****