Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said.
"You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.
You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions.
He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?"
Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today."
*****
Recycling
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.
The tallest ones, anyway.
*****
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.
The tallest ones, anyway.
*****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
DIVINE TECH SUPPORT
"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"Well, my son always saves, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though. "
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say goodnight, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets...
...How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"
*****
"Excuse me, sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'were important', Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'! Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot."
"Well, my son always saves, Moses."
"Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though. "
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'. Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a beatnik if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say goodnight, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets...
...How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"
*****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Technical terminology:
486.... The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art.... Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete.... Any computer you own.
Microsecond.... The time it takes for your State-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error.... "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
GUI (pronounced "gooey").... What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Computer Chip.... Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Keyboard.... The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse.... An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy.... The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Hard Drive.... The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.
Portable Computer.... A device invented to force business people to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash.... A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User.... Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System update.... A quick method of trashing all of your current software.
*****
486.... The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art.... Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete.... Any computer you own.
Microsecond.... The time it takes for your State-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error.... "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
GUI (pronounced "gooey").... What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Computer Chip.... Any starchy foodstuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Keyboard.... The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse.... An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy.... The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Hard Drive.... The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.
Portable Computer.... A device invented to force business people to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash.... A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User.... Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System update.... A quick method of trashing all of your current software.
*****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
CAR KEYS
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
GOLF, n.
1. a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
2. a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.
3. a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.
4. a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.
5. is like a love affair - if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart.
6. a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n.
A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER, n.
1. a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;
2. a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.
*****
1. a game that consists of a lot of walking, broken up by disappointment and bad arithmetic.
2. a game of opposites - the world's slowest people are ahead of you, and the fastest are behind.
3. a colorful sport that keeps you on the green, in the pink, and financially in the red.
4. a game which is allowed to be played on Sunday (under blue laws) because it was not considered a game by the law, but a form of moral effort.
5. is like a love affair - if you don't take it seriously, it's no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart.
6. a game a lot like taxation - you drive hard to get to the green, and then you find yourself in a hole.
GOLF CART, n.
A popular mode of transportation because, unlike a caddie, it can neither count, criticize, nor snicker.
GOLFER, n.
1. a person who yells "fore," takes six, and puts down five;
2. a guy who has the advantage over a fisherman - he doesn't have to bring home anything when he brags he had a great day.
*****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still facts...
A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:
"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"
The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.
Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.
In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.
Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.
Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer:
vapor lock.
It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.
Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.
*****
A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors:
"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"
The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.
Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.
In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store.
Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out.
Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer:
vapor lock.
It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.
Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.
*****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
It may be that not all of the Y2K computer problems would have been bad ones. Consider the following hypothetical Y2K computerized message:
January 4, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
*****
January 4, 2000
Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
*****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Home on the Web (to the tune of "Home on the Range")
VERSE:
Oh give me a site
where the links all work right --
one that doesn't take too long to load --
where the text can be seen
on my 13-inch screen --
one that offers a "no-Java" mode.
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE:
Though your video files
give your pages some style
I can't read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound
crash my system, I've found,
so please put in some "alt" tags for me!
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE:
Please don't ask me to "chat"
with your favorite cat;
I don't have an IRC code.
And don't ask me to buy
games for Win 95 --
My PC is way too darn old!
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!
*****
(posted by "lemming81", 2-27-00)
*****
VERSE:
Oh give me a site
where the links all work right --
one that doesn't take too long to load --
where the text can be seen
on my 13-inch screen --
one that offers a "no-Java" mode.
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE:
Though your video files
give your pages some style
I can't read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound
crash my system, I've found,
so please put in some "alt" tags for me!
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!
VERSE:
Please don't ask me to "chat"
with your favorite cat;
I don't have an IRC code.
And don't ask me to buy
games for Win 95 --
My PC is way too darn old!
REFRAIN:
Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM
Please take pity on me --
I'm still on Netscape 3
with a 14.4-speed modem!
*****
(posted by "lemming81", 2-27-00)
*****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
*****
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
*****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Things You Would Never Know Without Movies (1 of 2)
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Things You Would Never Know Without Movies (2 of 2)
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
****
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
HOW TO BUILD A WEB PAGE IN 25 STEPS
1. Download a piece of Web authoring software ~ 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page ~ 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it ~ 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site ~ 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like ~ 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again ~ 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do ~ 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there ~ 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ~ 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images ~ 10 seconds.
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone ~ 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP ~ 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10" ~ 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ~ 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP ~ 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page ~ 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page ~ 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server ~ 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software ~ 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again ~ 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server ~ 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web ~ 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps ~ eternity
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(Posted by Jeff Needleman 05-22-01)
*****
1. Download a piece of Web authoring software ~ 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page ~ 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it ~ 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site ~ 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like ~ 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again ~ 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do ~ 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there ~ 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ~ 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images ~ 10 seconds.
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone ~ 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP ~ 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10" ~ 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ~ 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP ~ 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page ~ 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page ~ 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server ~ 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software ~ 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again ~ 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server ~ 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web ~ 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps ~ eternity
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(Posted by Jeff Needleman 05-22-01)
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Murphy's Laws Of Computers
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
*****
Computers make very fast very accurate miss stakes.
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want to do.
*****
Computers make very fast very accurate miss stakes.
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but 'I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I, AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!"
*****
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but 'I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I, AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!"
*****