Recycling

[Henry J]

A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of £25.00.

Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"

The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"

The kid said, "Yep."

"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.

The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."

The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

[Shazbot!!!]

*****

[Henry J]

A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.

Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer.

Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''

(So, about that bad news, should we cry FOWL? )

*****

[Henry J]

A man and a women stole a Krispy Creme donut truck from a store parking lot. As they drove merrily upon their way, they did not realize that the back doors of the truck were open. They left a 15 mile trail of donuts and were consequently pulled over and arrested.

(Yep, I reckon their plan had a few holes in it... )

*****

[Henry J]

(I can't vouch for the accuracy of this, but here it is anyway. )

It seems that once upon a time, manure was shipped on boats from one point to another. The substance was allowed to dry to reduce weight. Then it was loaded in bales on the boat carrying it. Alas, however, at times water would splash into the bales and they would start to ferment down in the hold. This produces methane gas. If some hapless sailor were to approach these bales with a lit torch, an explosion would result and the ship would be lost.

So they started to label the bales with the note "Ship High in Transit." Meaning to load the bales high enough on the ship so that the water would not get to it and if it did, the methane gas would escape harmlessly into the air.

Eventually just the initials were used and it became an acronym. Hence the origin of the present day English word.

(But is that the poop the whole poop and nothing but the poop? )

*****

[Henry J]

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

*****

[Henry J]

The Sunday School teacher asked Sally, "Do you say prayers before eating?"
"No," she replied, "My mom is a good cook."

*****

A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

*****

[Henry J]

How to call the Police... A True Story From the Meridian, Mississippi Star:

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the Police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that no one was available at this time, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when one became available..

George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and then phoned the Police again.

"Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, 2 Armed Response units, a Helicopter and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.

The police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available."

***********

[Henry J]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said, "Call for backup."

(Like in that movie Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot! ? )

*****

[Henry J]

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, "So did my arthritis."

*****

[Henry J]

Headlines (1 of 2):

Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs In Short Supply

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Air Head Fired, Steals Clock, Faces Time

Old School Pillars Replaced By Alumni

[Henry J]

Headlines (2 of 2):

Prosecutor Releases Probe Into Undersheriff

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

*****

[Henry J]

A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"

"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."

The son says, "Why are you so weak?"

She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

*****

[Henry J]

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

*****

My dad was a church planter, so the atmosphere in those early days with just a few people was... casual.

From time to time he'd have a certain little girl take the offering. She would hold the plate in people's faces until they dropped something in. There were no exceptions. Everyone gave. Well, her parents made her stop that practice.

Then one Sunday she brought the plate to the front, and my dad jokingly asked, "did we get enough?" She shook her head and said, "my daddy didn't put anything in!"

*****

[Henry J]

USEFUL WORK PHRASES
1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
27. I'm sorry...that's not my job

*****

[Henry J]

I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a sew-sew job.

I used to work in a muffler factory, until I got exhausted.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

I wanted to be a chef, figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

I used to be a deli worker, but I couldn't cut the mustard.

I used to be a musician, but I wasn't noteworthy.

I used to be a math teacher until I found out I had no class.

I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

*****