Recycling

[Henry J]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. He called a female angel and sent her down to Earth.

When she returned she told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. She reported that 95% is bad and 5%is good. God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a male angel to get both points of view.

When the male angel returned he confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going. Do you know what the e-mail said?....

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
... Oh! you didn't get one either??

*****

[Henry J]

The judge was disturbed. This was the ninth time this year that George had appeared before him and the ninth time he was convicted. It was always for minor crimes, shoplifting a six-pack of beer, pick-pocketing, breaking into a parking meter. And he always seemed to be caught with the loot still on him.

Before sentencing George, the judge decided to try to make him see the errors of his ways. "You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself." he told George.

George answered, . . .
...."No man should be ashamed of his convictions."

(Stan Kegel)

*****

That reminds me of this one:

Judge: "Have you been up before me before?"

Defendant: "I don't know, Your Honor. What time do you get up?"

[lswot]

my mailbox runneth over

[Henry J]

Well then, just try to bring in the email more often.

[Henry J]

Baptism: Are you prepared for it?

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

*****

[Henry J]

Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.
Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. The chauffeur didn't really have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Rev. Graham took the wheel.
He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.
Soon the blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rear-view mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window.
When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in."

The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, I hope not Ted Kennedy?"

The trooper said, "No, even more important."
"It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"
"No," replied the trooper, "even more important."
"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded: "I don't really know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"

*****

[Henry J]

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.

Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

*****

FORE!!!!

Five!!!!

Hope he took along a clean pair of pants! (On account of he got a hole in one)

[Henry J]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life. "The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

(Because it's always darkest before the dawn? )

[Henry J]

LIFE ON THE FARM CAN BE PRETTY TOUGH

In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals. The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered.

Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.

Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed. The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.

"It wasn't me! It wasn't me!" yelled the goat. The farmer shook his head and said, "The hare's looking at you, kid."

***

Some notes on the case:

Personally, I'd blame Colonel Mustard except that he'd never catch up with the pig.
(But at least with the rabbit, they had a Clue. )

When asked if they did it, the horse said "neigh", the duck quacked up, the cow didn't even udder a moo, and the goat said "BAA".

How would a duck be a suspect, anyway? That's just daffy - a pig is larger than a duck.

An incident like that could get the farmer's goat.

It could even make it hard to bring home the bacon.

Hare today, goat tomorrow?

On the bright side though, I'm toad that at least there wasn't a frog among the suspects.

But let us not split hares.

***

[Henry J]

Duct Tape is a lot like the Force (i.e. Star Wars). It has a Light side and a Dark side, and it holds the Universe together.

***

[Henry J]

What did the skunk say when the wind changed?

It all comes back to me now.

*****

[Henry J]

Subject: A Redneck's Change In his Christmas Vacation Plans.....

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon.... when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation this Christmas.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti.... and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

***

[Henry J]

Knock! knock!

Who's there?

Ash!

Ash WHO?

Gesundheit!

***

[Henry J]

Five-year-old little Joey was staring intently at an elderly woman sitting behind him in church one day. Finally he got up the courage to ask how old she was (a question that shocked and embarrassed his parents).

The elderly woman smiled and said, "Why, I'm 39 and holding."

Joey thought a few moments and then asked, "Well how old would you be if you let go?"

(Older than Jack Benny? )

[Henry J]

How do you cut the sea in half?

With a sea saw.

*****