Recycling

[Henry J]

Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

Anonymous

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[Henry J]

How is a man like a used car?

Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable.

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[Henry J]

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. (George Burns)

[Henry J]

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

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Young son: Is it true Dad that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

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Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

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[Henry J]

If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. (Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker)

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. (Woody Allen)

If you want to make GOD Laugh, tell him your future plans. (Woody Allen)

Those are my principles, if you don't like them...... I have others." (Groucho Marx)

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. (John Lennon)

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[Henry J]

IT'S TIME TO DIET AND EXERCISE WHEN...

...you try to do a few push-ups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

...your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was.

...you get winded just saying the words "six-kilometer run."

...you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.

...you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.

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[Henry J]

It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.

"Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"

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[Henry J]

Definition of Outdoor BBQing

BBQing is the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The mans ask the woman how she enjoyed "her night off". And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

HAPPY BBQing!!

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[Henry J]

The drunken old lady was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.

"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.

"Big deal," muttered the old drunk. "I already had him so tired out, he couldn't get away."

[IOW, the assistance was fruitless.]

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[Henry J]

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Ach, it were nothin', said McQuillan, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!

[Sounds like a fruitful strategy.]

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[Henry J]

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

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[Henry J]

There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

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[Henry J]

Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians.

Somebody just sent a fax message to every member of our state legislature. Each fax message was exactly the same: "The press has found out everything."

Both houses of the legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.

["Just the fax, ma'm."]

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[Henry J]

I decided to stop worrying about my teenager's driving and take advantage of it.

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.

At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.

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[Henry J]

The seven-year old told her mom, that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

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