At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole.
"Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
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Recycling
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Some peeves that some people have kept as pets:
People who are willing to get up and search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!
When people say..."Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too." Say what? What good is a piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do... eat someone else's piece of cake instead??
When people say... "It's always the last place you look." No fooling!! Why the bleep would you keep looking for it after you've already found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where are they?? Out looking for themselves?
When people say, while watching a movie . . . "Did you see that?" No, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for??
People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya?
When something is "New & Improved". Which is it? If it's new, there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it!
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. "You should know, Officer, you're the one that pulled me over!"
Chain letters! Who the bleep thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or make your long-lost love fall into your arms. Baloney! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me!!
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(I suppose, though, the things to ask about peeves is what do they eat, are they housebroken, do they come when called, etc. )
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People who are willing to get up and search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!
When people say..."Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too." Say what? What good is a piece of cake if you can't eat it? What should I do... eat someone else's piece of cake instead??
When people say... "It's always the last place you look." No fooling!! Why the bleep would you keep looking for it after you've already found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where are they?? Out looking for themselves?
When people say, while watching a movie . . . "Did you see that?" No, I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for??
People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya?
When something is "New & Improved". Which is it? If it's new, there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it!
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. "You should know, Officer, you're the one that pulled me over!"
Chain letters! Who the bleep thinks that by annoying other people with stupid mail with no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or make your long-lost love fall into your arms. Baloney! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid chain letter that the computer gods are going to curse me!!
*****
(I suppose, though, the things to ask about peeves is what do they eat, are they housebroken, do they come when called, etc. )
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
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"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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Re: Recycling
Sitcom review for the day:
Rose: "I don't like her".
Blanche: "Me, too".
Rose: "I find her hard to talk to."
Blanche: "Me, too".
Rose: "She thinks I'm dumb."
Blanche: "Me, too".
Rose: "I don't like her".
Blanche: "Me, too".
Rose: "I find her hard to talk to."
Blanche: "Me, too".
Rose: "She thinks I'm dumb."
Blanche: "Me, too".
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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Re: Recycling
A pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program."
"The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
[Change is inevitable?]
*****
"The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
[Change is inevitable?]
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
In Honour of Stupid People (part 1 of 3)
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???.... )
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well... duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(... and you thought????... )
To be continued...
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???.... )
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well... duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(... and you thought????... )
To be continued...
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
In Honour of Stupid People, continued
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash) (But wait, aren't peanuts technically legumes?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)
Exercise for student: compute the part number of this post.
To be continued...
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On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash) (But wait, aren't peanuts technically legumes?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)
Exercise for student: compute the part number of this post.
To be continued...
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
In Honour of Stupid People, continued
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my stars! was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)... in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
And remember...
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)
The closed mouth gathers no foot.
Stupid is as stupid does (from a guy who could see the Forrest for the trees).
Eschew obfuscation. (Gesundheit!)
*****
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my stars! was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)... in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
And remember...
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the former. (Albert Einstein)
The closed mouth gathers no foot.
Stupid is as stupid does (from a guy who could see the Forrest for the trees).
Eschew obfuscation. (Gesundheit!)
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Particle Physics
"administratium." Administratium has been found to have no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It has, however, 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of mesonlike particles called morons.
The morons are surrounded by vast quantities of leptonlike particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused one reaction to take more than four days to complete when it normally could have occurred in less that a second.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. However, it does not decay in the usual way but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that administratium is formed spontaneously whenever moron concentration reaches a certain level. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
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"administratium." Administratium has been found to have no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It has, however, 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of mesonlike particles called morons.
The morons are surrounded by vast quantities of leptonlike particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium caused one reaction to take more than four days to complete when it normally could have occurred in less that a second.
Administratium has a half-life of approximately three years. However, it does not decay in the usual way but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that administratium is formed spontaneously whenever moron concentration reaches a certain level. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
[It's smellamentary!]
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[It's smellamentary!]
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
[OK then - Shazbot. ]
*****
Mark Twain (1835-1910)
[OK then - Shazbot. ]
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
TRUE FRIENDSHIP
Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!
When you are sad... I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry devil who made you sad.
When you are blue... I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile... I'll know you finally got some.
When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb butt.
When you are sick... stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall... I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.
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Are you tired of all those sissy, mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship!
When you are sad... I will get you drunk and will help you plot revenge against the sorry devil who made you sad.
When you are blue... I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile... I'll know you finally got some.
When you are scared... I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried... I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused... I will use little words to explain it to your dumb butt.
When you are sick... stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall... I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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Re: Recycling
THOTS TO PONDER, or not...
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
[Hope he wears goggles!]
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
[Yep!]
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
[Hope he wears goggles!]
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
[Yep!]
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
[Well let's see. 97 - 60 = 37, 37 * 365 * 5 = OMG, pick an ocean! Ask Gilligan if he's seen her... ]
[Well let's see. 97 - 60 = 37, 37 * 365 * 5 = OMG, pick an ocean! Ask Gilligan if he's seen her... ]
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
One out of every three people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
[Besides, anybody who sees a psychiatrist must be crazy... ]
[Besides, anybody who sees a psychiatrist must be crazy... ]