Subject: Since the beginning of time...
God said, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?"
And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?"
And God explained it to him. HE then said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?"
And God explained it to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him and said, "In the cave you will find woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, And said "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?"
So God explained it to him. So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.
God said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
******
Recycling
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
*******
(Oh good grief! Shazbot! Oh my stars! Oh sweet nibblets!* Ay caramba! etc. )
*[if that one isn't too corny]
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
*******
(Oh good grief! Shazbot! Oh my stars! Oh sweet nibblets!* Ay caramba! etc. )
*[if that one isn't too corny]
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
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Re: Recycling
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
******
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
******
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
******
(EWWWW)
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
******
(EWWWW)
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Henry J
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Sign on door to maternity ward: "Push! Push! PUSH!"
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Things to do While Downloading
----------------
Buff your mouse pad
Make a list of things to download
Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
Count to 500 in "click" language
Go outside and actually breathe fresh air
Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter
11% DONE!
Name the presidents
Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
Re-lace your shoes
Read every classified listing for "programmers"
Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball
Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection
23% DONE!
Fill out all your registration cards in triplicate
Alphabetize your diskettes
Alphabetize your CD-ROMs
Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together
32% DONE!
Cut your fingernails
See how many words you can make from "download"
Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings
Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two
Time to Windex that monitor again!
42% DONE!
Might as well balance the old checkbook
Practice the "rubber pencil" routine
Weed out the rolodex
Buff the mouse pad -- oops, already did that!
French Braid (optional)
52% DONE!
"This would be a good time to register your software"
Re-kid proof the butane lighter
Solitaire
Solitaire round 2
Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time)
65% DONE!
Think of good domain names to pre-buy
Pursue the Egghead mailer again
67% DONE!
RE-label file folders in all caps
Penny rolls, Penny rolls, penny rolls
73% DONE!
Color code your extra cables
78% DONE!
Find all celebrities that share your birth date
83% DONE!
Nerf basketball to 100!
94% DONE!
100 sit-ups
98% DONE!
Get ready.....
Connection Terminated - Start over!
...
Warn neighbors to hold ears...
*******
(Oh good grief! Shazbot! Oh my stars! Oh sweet nibblets!* Ay caramba! etc. )
----------------
Buff your mouse pad
Make a list of things to download
Play a percussive beat on your thighs in time with your modem
Count to 500 in "click" language
Go outside and actually breathe fresh air
Do a pushup for every blue bar on the progress meter
11% DONE!
Name the presidents
Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side one
Re-lace your shoes
Read every classified listing for "programmers"
Carefully clean your mouse rollers and track ball
Hone your monitor's picture to ridiculous perfection
23% DONE!
Fill out all your registration cards in triplicate
Alphabetize your diskettes
Alphabetize your CD-ROMs
Re-alphabetize your diskettes and CD-ROMs together
32% DONE!
Cut your fingernails
See how many words you can make from "download"
Make a sculpture out of your fingernail clippings
Play "Dark Side Of the Moon" side two
Time to Windex that monitor again!
42% DONE!
Might as well balance the old checkbook
Practice the "rubber pencil" routine
Weed out the rolodex
Buff the mouse pad -- oops, already did that!
French Braid (optional)
52% DONE!
"This would be a good time to register your software"
Re-kid proof the butane lighter
Solitaire
Solitaire round 2
Solitaire round 3 (no cheating this time)
65% DONE!
Think of good domain names to pre-buy
Pursue the Egghead mailer again
67% DONE!
RE-label file folders in all caps
Penny rolls, Penny rolls, penny rolls
73% DONE!
Color code your extra cables
78% DONE!
Find all celebrities that share your birth date
83% DONE!
Nerf basketball to 100!
94% DONE!
100 sit-ups
98% DONE!
Get ready.....
Connection Terminated - Start over!
...
Warn neighbors to hold ears...
*******
(Oh good grief! Shazbot! Oh my stars! Oh sweet nibblets!* Ay caramba! etc. )
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
********
(I dunno; that sounds to me like it might be a close shave... )
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
********
(I dunno; that sounds to me like it might be a close shave... )
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Life Reflections
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it might not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel sooo good.
Mirror mirror on the wall - let us reflect.
********
And also:
Keep your phaser set on stun.
Eschew obfuscation.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Always yield to temptation, because it might not pass your way again.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel sooo good.
Mirror mirror on the wall - let us reflect.
********
And also:
Keep your phaser set on stun.
Eschew obfuscation.
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
This guy walks into this bar, and he says to the Chinese bartender "Give me a Stoli".
And the Chinese bartender says, "Once upon a time, there were these three little pigs..."
*******
It's official: Rap music does cause crime. Research shows that in over half the shootings that occur on the street, the gunman is aiming at the boom box.
*******
And the Chinese bartender says, "Once upon a time, there were these three little pigs..."
*******
It's official: Rap music does cause crime. Research shows that in over half the shootings that occur on the street, the gunman is aiming at the boom box.
*******
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless sh1t heads at the lumberyard ever bring us the d@mn bricks", replied the little girl.
*****
The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all of them - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week".
"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"?
"I will if those useless sh1t heads at the lumberyard ever bring us the d@mn bricks", replied the little girl.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
"I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained.
"Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter. "And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."
*****
"I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained.
"Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit, "some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter. "And when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed."
*****
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
The Birds and the Bees
The new generation would never believe the old fashion way.
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:'
'You Got Male!'
(So the stork is out of a job?)
The new generation would never believe the old fashion way.
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via email with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and Googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:'
'You Got Male!'
(So the stork is out of a job?)
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
The teacher was discussing different jobs held by the parents of the students. When she called on little Johnny, she asked, "And what does your father do?"
"Oh, he's a magician." replied Johnny.
"Really? And what's his best trick?"
"His best trick is sawing people in half."
"Wonderful!," exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me, are there any more children in your family?""
"Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters."
*****
"Oh, he's a magician." replied Johnny.
"Really? And what's his best trick?"
"His best trick is sawing people in half."
"Wonderful!," exclaimed the teacher. "Tell me, are there any more children in your family?""
"Yes ma'am, I have a half brother and two half sisters."
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man.
"Too much trouble," he responded.
*****
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man.
"Too much trouble," he responded.
*****