Recycling

[Henry J]

Subject: Court testimony (continued)

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

*****

[Henry J]

Subject: Court testimony (continued)

But the witnesses don't got nothin' on the lawyers:

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

*****

[lswot]

Just shows to go ya...lawyers don't listen….unless they're talking.

[Henry J]

Subject: Court testimony (continued)

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

[Henry J]

Subject: Court testimony (continued)

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

And my all-time favorite...

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

*****

[Henry J]

ANN ARBOR IDIOT
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

****

[Henry J]

KENTUCKY IDIOTS
Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.

Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

(Never underestimate human stupidity! Even artificial intelligence is no match for it! )

****

[Henry J]

LOUISIANA IDIOT
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.

The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?

Fifteen dollars.

[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?

*****

[Henry J]

ARKANSAS IDIOT
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.

Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

*****

[lswot]

That'll learn him....

[Henry J]

Yep. Reading, Righting, Rehabilitation.

[lswot]

:

[Henry J]

NEW YORK IDIOT
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher.

They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.

To which he replied "Yes, Officer ..... that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from".

*****

[lswot]

like my mother always said: it doess't pay to be ignorant unless you can show it....

[Henry J]

Well, yeah. Sometimes people who don't know stuff talk a bunch more than those who do know stuff, largely because they don't know enough to know that they don't know the stuff they're talking about. Ya know?

Also, brevity is da soul of wit. Or so I've heard.

And another thing - eschew obfuscation.