Recycling

[Henry J]

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. [Even if it's off key?]

[Henry J]

What was Noah's wife's name?
,
,
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, Joan of Ark

[Henry J]

If Walmart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

[Henry J]

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly: "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

*****

[Henry J]

What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare line.

[Hare today, gone tomorrow? Wascally Wabbits. ]

*****

[Henry J]

I used to work at a Goodyear service center but I found it tiring. I left there and went to Midas but now I come home exhausted. I think I'll open a gym and call it Waist Management.

[After all, a waist is a terrible thing to mind. ]

*****

[Henry J]

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu: The same mustard as before.

[Henry J]

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

[Henry J]

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it'll be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

*****

[Henry J]

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

[Henry J]

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

[Henry J]

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A good pun is its own reword.

[Henry J]

Every calendar's days are numbered.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

[Henry J]

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you.

[When ya gotta go, ya gotta go? ]

*****

[Henry J]

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "Hon," I suggested, "why don't you try carrying several things at once?"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven. "

*****

[Yes, dear.]