Recycling

[Henry J]

News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
(Both crews were marooned.)

[Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a colorful trip... ]

*****

[Henry J]

______Press Release from the Future______

Today, independent researchers and developers announced the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device (BOOK).

The BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected, switched on, or recharged. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover!

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a floppy disc. Here's how it works...

Each BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. These pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs in half.

Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. This makes them thicker and harder to carry, and has drawn some criticism from the mobile computing crowd.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

The BOOK may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it. The BOOK never crashes and never needs rebooting though, like other display devices, it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open the BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the entertainment wave of the future. The BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform.
Look for a flood of new titles soon.

*****

[Henry J]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

["Beer bad" - Xander Harris said so! While working as a bartender!]

*****

[Henry J]

Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?

New Jersey got first choice.

[Waste is a terrible thing to mind... ]

*****

[Henry J]

A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.

"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

The mom happily thought that her son's religious education was certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"

*****

[Where's Mathew Broderick when you need him, huh? ]

[Henry J]

In Iowa, a jury awarded $80 million to a woman who sued UPS.

Unfortunately, the woman wasn't home when they delivered the money, so they left it with a neighbor.

*****

[Henry J]

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's because" the sales lady says. "divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's..."

*****

[Yeah, that Barbie! She can be a real doll, huh? Ken you dig it?]

[Henry J]

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem," the doctor said. "He needs a change."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 pounds!"

*****

[Is that the poop the whole poop and nothing but the poop? ]

[Henry J]

No stream rises higher than its source.

Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

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If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.

Lin Yutang

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If you are going to do something wrong at least enjoy it.

Leo Rosten

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You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

[Or there's the Henny Youngman version... ]

*****

[Henry J]

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

*****
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

*****
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

*****
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

*****

[Henry J]

Maternity Clothes Shop:
We are open on labor day.

On a Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push"

Non-smoking area:
If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

On a Front Door:
Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

Optometrist's Office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

[Henry J]

I am what I am, said Abraham.
To do is to desire, said Siddharta.
I will do it, said Jesus.
Do it or die, said Mohammed.
To be or not to be, said Shakespeare.
To do is to be, said Nietzsche.
To be is to do, said Sartre.
Do be do be do, said Sinatra.
Yaba daba doo, said Flintstone.

*****
I yam what I yam, said Popeye.

[But then he had a salad for dinner.]

*****

[Henry J]

Beauty Shop:
Dye now!

[But if it's called a "permanent", why do you have to get another one in a few months? ]

Garbage Truck:
We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

[Like the old computer saying, GIGO? ]

Computer Store:
Out for a quick byte.

[Or at least a couple of nibbles! ]

Diner Window:
Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

[More than a couple of nibbles! ]

Music Library:
Bach in a minuet.

[TTFN]

[Henry J]

Daily Affirmations for the Unstable (1 of 3):

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain. [Grumble grumble]

*****

[Henry J]

Daily Affirmations for the Unstable (2 of 3):

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. [Which is most of them, right?]

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too. [Joan of Arc? Wasn't that Noah's wife?]

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying. [OTOH, forgiving one's enemies is one way to annoy them!]

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. [Like a pizza?]

*****