Recycling

[Henry J]

*****
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Any program will expand to fill any available memory.

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer to maintain it.

-----

To err is human, to really skrew it up get a komputer.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Upgrade: a method of getting the computer to reboot faster.

*****

That does not COMPUTE!

[Henry J]

At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replies almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes. . .and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron."

******
When I was a kid I told "them" I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up. Everyone just laughed at me!

*****
When it comes to binary numbers there are 10 classes of people: those that understand them and those that don't.

*****

[Henry J]

IN THOSE FEW HOT DAYS, THANK GOD FOR THESE BROTHERS!

Did you know????

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little factoid for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

I can hear your groans from here. Control yourself!!!

A buddy sent me this, and I was sucked in, too!

*****

AC! AC! AC!

[Henry J]

*****

This one is a genuine hoot. It was an actual letter sent to Ryan DeVries from the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.

Wait till you read this guy's response -- but read the letter before you get to the response.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mr. Ryan ------
SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. ------

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31 2002.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,

David ---------
District Representative Land and Water Management Division

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RESPONSE

Dear Mr. -------,
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;

Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris."

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter being unable to read English)

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.)

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2002? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sincerely,
Stephen ----------

*****

[Henry J]

Dot.Com (humor)
And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land."

And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so." And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!" said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.

*****

[Henry J]

It seems that the son of the Indian Chief was sent off to the white man's school. Got his MBA and returned to the tribe. In the first council meeting he was asked what the weather would be like that coming winter. He replied he would have to ask the Great Spirit. So when he got to his teepee, he got on his cell phone and called a friend of his at the National Weather Service. His friend said, "Well, I would be conservative and tell them it is going to be a hard winter so they will have plenty of fuel."

So he reported back and all the Indians went to work getting fire wood. All this trickled up and eventually the National Weather Service came out with a warning for a severe cold winter ahead.

At length someone wanted to know how the National Weather Service had come up with such a prediction. When pressed, the answer came out, "Well the Indians seem to be gathering more than the usual amount of fire wood for this season."

*****

(But at least nobody (not even Bill Murray) asked a groundhog for its underground opinion! )

[Henry J]

This one is just for the halibut:

*****
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. *** *** during my Freshman year-- "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."-- and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

*****

[Henry J]

A man was lucky enough to interview God one day:
man: OK God how long is a million years to you?
God: a million years to me is but a mere second.
man: OK than how much is a million dollars to you?
God: to me a million dollars is but a penny.
man: OK God . Can I have a million dollars than?
God: sure. Just wait a second.

*****

(Do the math?)

[Henry J]

*****
MEMORANDUM
TO: Jesus, Son of Joseph. Woodcrafters shop, Nazareth.
From: Jordan Management Consultants. Jerusalem.
Subject: Staff Aptitude Test.
Date :May 22/30

Thank you for submitting the resumes of the 12 men you picked for management positions in your new organization. All of them have now taken our battery of tests, and we have not only run the results through our computer but also have arranged personal interviews for each of them with our psychologist and vocational consultant.

It is the staff opinion that most of your nominees are lacking in background, education and vocational aptitude for the type of enterprise you are undertaking. They do not have the team concept. We would recommend that you continue your search for persons of experience in managerial ability and proven capability.

Simon Peter is emotionally unstable and given to fits of temper. Andrew has absolutely no qualities of leadership. The two brothers, James and John, the sons of Zebedee, place personal interest above company loyalty. Thomas demonstrates a questioning attitude that would tend to undermine morale. We feel that it is our duty to tell you that Matthew has been blacklisted by the Greater Jerusalem Better Business Bureau. James, the son of Alphaeus, and Thaddeus definitely have radical leanings, and they both registered a high score on the manic depressive scale.

One of the candidates, however, shows great potential. He is a man of ability and resourcefulness, meets people well, has a keen business mind and has contact in high places. He is highly motivated, ambitious and innovative. We recommend Judas Iscariot as your comptroller and right hand man. All other profiles are self-explanatory.

We wish you every success in your new venture

*****

[Henry J]

Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."

"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

********

[Henry J]

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS (1 of 4)

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. [Is that a comment on Out of Africa? ]

2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." [Fast food?]

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. [Regicide?]

4. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. [Why, was she off key?]

5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." [Or as Henny Youngman used to say... ]

6. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

7. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. [Uh, but isn't that the point of having it? ]

8. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water" The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus" [Are you sure this is where he fell in? ]

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. [Why, are they off key? ]

[Henry J]

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS (2 of 4)

10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. [Be quiet in church, because... ]

11. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. [But doesn't absence make the heart grow farther? Er, fonder? ]

12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." [TTFN]

13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. [And have chicken soup on hand.]

14. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. [Can I buy a vowel?]

15. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help. [Yup, there's no need to worry.]

16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. [Aisle be back?]

17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. [Eat beans; America needs the... ]

18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. [Hope they're not off key!]

[Henry J]

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS (3 of 4)

19. Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. [Now that one was off key.]

20. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. [Heck, what's the point of sinning if it's not fun?]

21. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. [Oh, another place to let the church help?]

22. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. [But don't rub somebody the wrong way.]

23. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. [Wouldn't that be a bit premature?]

24. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered. [I think I forgot something...]

25. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. [But don't toss your cookies!]

26. The church will host an evening of fine dining superb entertainment and gracious hostility. [PEACE!]

27. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. -- prayer and medication to follow. [Why, is the food gonna disagree with people?]

[Henry J]

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS (4 of 4)

28. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. [Oh, I see!]

29. This evening at 7 PM. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. [There's more of that off key stuff!]

30. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. [But who's gonna clean it up?]

31. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. [Waist not want not?]

32. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. [Is that sort of like asking heavy people to use the double doors?]

33. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. [The play's the thing?]

34. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. [See #32]

35. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. [Be sure to study first.]

36. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." [Let's see, how did that saying go on Welcome Back Kotter ...]

37. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High." [How's the air up there?]

*****

[Henry J]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter. It just so happens she is in time for supper.
She is treated to the best fish and chips she has ever had.

After dinner she goes to the kitchen to thank the chefs. She is greeted by 2 brothers... brother Charles and Brother Michael.

"I am very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for such a wonderful dinner. That was the best fish and chips I ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "I am the fish friar". She turns to the other brother and says, "And you must be...?"

Yes, Brother Michael replies, " I am the chip monk."

*****