Recycling

[lswot]

Yes.......and not a metal colander in sight.....to say if I'm lying or not, so.....you'll just have to take my word for it.

[Henry J]

Oh really? Ya think?

[Henry J]

Miscellaneous Material from the Internet Surfing of Steve Ingle, LMSC, and brought home by Dame Kay's husband:

DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N?Q)
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 = 2 = 5 for extremely large value of 2.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<--------- The information went data way ------------>
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression.
Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding
The name is Baud......... James Baud.
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied -- nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad Command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
As a computer, I find your faith in technology pathetically amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

[lswot]

..

[Henry J]

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
E PLURIBUS MODEM
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error-correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N?)
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do witches use a spell checker?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
11th Commandment -- Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
SENILE.COM found . . . Out of Memory . . .
Who is General Failure and hy is he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS ...
All computers wait at the same speed.
Press <CTRL><ALT><DEL> to continue . . .
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue . . .
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue . . .
ASCII stupid question, get stupid ANSII.
E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

*****

[lswot]

..

[Henry J]

Don't hurt your eyes doing that!

[Henry J]

Help! I'm modeming -- and I can't hang up!
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS.
Press any key -- no,no,no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit . . .
Sped up my XT; ran it on 200v! Works greO?_*"
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
Read my chips: No new upgrades!
Hit any user to continue.
2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!
I hit the CTRL key. How come I'm still not in control?
Does the Information Highway have any rest stops?

******

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes...

Two air is humane; too really skew thinks up ewe needs an computer...

I'm away from my desk - send an e-mail if the network goes down...

******

Henry

[Henry J]

Excerpted from an online BB:

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. (See below) The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails
4. No expensive upgrades
5. Drastically reduced technical support costs

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
P: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

*******

Henry

[lswot]

. That's shaking things up. Where's Elvis? "I'm All Shook Up!"

[Henry J]

Elvis? Oh, he left the building.

[Henry J]

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
(work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

4 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

******

Henry

[lswot]

...

[Henry J]

* Entropy Isn't What It Used To Be.
* Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Don't Have Film
* Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion.
* Everything Is Possible; Just Not Too Probable.
* Everything Is Unimportant In Some Way.
* Fact Of Life: A Woman Has The Last Word In Any Argument. Anything A Man Says After That Is The Beginning Of A New Argument.
* Few Women Admit Their Age; Few Men Act It.
* Fight Crime, Shoot Back
* Fun Is Just Point Of View.
* Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
* Gravity Is A Myth, The Earth Sucks.
* Guns Don't Kill People, They Just Make It Easier
* Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-In-Law's Face On The Back Of A Milk Carton.
* Honesty Is The Best Policy, But Insanity Is A Better Defense.
* I Am Not A Vegetarian Because I Love Animals;
I Am A Vegetarian Because I Hate Plants.
* I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
* I Hope You Sit On The Tack Of Success And Rise Rapidly.
* I May Be Fat But You're Ugly, And I Can Lose Weight.
* If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Too Astonished.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Destroy All Evidence That You Tried.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.
* If Everything Is Coming Your Way, Then You're In The Wrong Lane.
* If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old.
* If Money Can't Buy Happiness, I Guess You'll Just Have To Rent It.
* If Ours Is A Man Made World, Why Can't We Remake It?
* If Swimming Is So Good For Your Figure, How Do You Explain Whales?
* If There Were No Such Thing As Bears, What Kind Of Hugs Would We Give?

******

Henry

[Henry J]

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.

In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial schools from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Meteorically, Tim and Tony rose through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal. The Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Holy Father.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world -- Catholic, Protestant and secular -- was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ...'Pope Secola'."

********

(Not exactly the real thing, but still! )

Henry