Recycling

[Henry J]

The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the quarter you gave me."

"The quarter I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."

******

Henry

[Henry J]

A burglar broke into the house of an Amish man in the middle of the night and started to rob it. The Amish man heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but Thou standest where I am about to shoot!"

******

(And, I doubt that thing has a stun setting! )

[Henry J]

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

*****

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?"

*****

Henry

[lswot]

"Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?""

Yikes.......

[Henry J]

A man who was lost stumbled across a Baptism service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeded to stumble down into the water and stand next to the Minister.

The Minister turned, noticed the man and said, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The man looked back and said, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the man.

The Minister then dunked him under for a quite a bit longer, brought him up and said,"Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the man again.

Disgusted, the Minister held the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brought him up and demanded, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The man wiped his eyes and pleaded, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

******

Henry

[Henry J]

Kid's rules for life.... (part 1)

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9

*****

Henry

[lswot]

out of the mouths of babes.....

[Henry J]

Well yeah!

[Henry J]

Kid's rules for life.... (part 2)

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11

*****

Henry

[lswot]

[Xjmt]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,“SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.”;


WELL, YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE:

MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

”YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,” HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

“WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?” I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, “IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?”;

“YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!” I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.


THEN, THAT UGLY,


OLD,


BALD,


WRINKLED FACED,


FAT-ASSED,


GRAY-HAIRED,


DECREPIT


SON-OF-A-(censored)


ASKED,



”WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?”;

______________________________________________________________________

[lswot]

[Henry J]

”WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?”;

Ancient history? (Nah, that subject is outdated)

Archaeology? (Nah, their careers lie in ruins)

Anthropology? (Nah, can't study people who didn't leave records)

Paleontology? (Nah, they've always got a bone to pick)

[Henry J]

Kid's rules for life.... (part 3)

Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8

Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and grandma's house.
Joanne, Age 11

*****

Henry

[Henry J]

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1. (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.
2. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
3. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.
4. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
5. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.
6. At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just can't Remember It All.
7. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
8. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do.
9. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah.
10. If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.
12. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
13. No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman").
14. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off.
15. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now.
16. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor.
17. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About.
19. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian.
20. (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge.
21. Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
22. Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money.
23. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional.
24. IRS-Be Audit You Can Be.
25. Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen.
27. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
28. The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never In Doubt.
29. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You.
30. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.
31. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
32. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

*****

Henry