Recycling

[Henry J]

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...

- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

- he paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

- you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

- he refers to Klingons as "Critters"

- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil  [Where's Scotty when you need him?]

- he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

- he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"

- he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

- he says "Yee-Ha" instead of "Engage"

- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

- he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

- he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens  [Synthohol?]

- he paints the starship John Deere green

- he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

- his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale  [Synthohol?]

- he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

- his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

- he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

- his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies

- he sets phaser to "Cajun"

****

[Ya'll come back now, ya hear?]

Henry

[Henry J]

Q. How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Approximately 1.00000000000000001
---------------
Q. How does Luke Skywalker get from one planet to another?

A. Ewoks

****

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Kirk: What is that ensign's name, Bones? He reminds me of a horse.
Bones: He's Ed, Jim. [But can anybody talk to him?]

Kirk: Bones, what's happened to Ensign Hunger?
Bones: He's fed Jim.

Kirk: What club is the patient vacationing with, Bones?
McCoy: He's Med, Jim.

Kirk: Where's Spock? Last I heard, he was getting really sick of these jokes!
Bones: He's fled, Jim.

Kirk: What's my cat doing on the couch?
McCoy: He's shed, Jim.

Kirk: Bones! Its Ensign Paper! Is he ...
McCoy: Yes, he's shred, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Toboggan?
Bones: He's sled, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, what about Ensign Yeast?
Bones: He's bread, Jim.

Kirk: Who's that one at the end of the list?
McCoy: He's Zed, Jim.

Kirk: So what happened to Jimmy Page, Bones?
McCoy: He's Led, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, is he from the FBI?
McCoy: He's Fed, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, that man just ran by at warp speed!
McCoy: He sped, Jim.

Kirk: Bones, who's that new crew member who calls himself Clampett?
McCoy: He's Jed, Jim. [Curses, oiled again!]

Kirk: Bones, what about ensign Pb?
Bones: He's Lead, Jim. [Get the lead out!]

Spock: Jim! McCoy is lying on the floor not breathing after being hit by a laser! What's wrong with him?
Kirk: He's bones, Spock.

****

Henry

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Star Trek Light Bulb Jokes!

How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately one point zero zero zero zero...

How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb? The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb !

How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb? None. Burned out light bulbs have NO honor. And a true Klingon warrior is not afraid of the dark!

Q) What do they do with the dead bulb?
A) Execute it for failure.

Q) What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A) Execute him for cowardice.

How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb? Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.

How many Q does it take to change a light bulb? Here, now, wouldn't you rather have this supernova?

How many CHANGELINGS does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it will actually change INTO a light bulb.

How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb? 1,561,772 .......uhh,62....,ummm,63......64......

How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and the other to sell the broken one to an unsuspecting customer.

How many BETAZOIDS does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and the other to moan, "Darkness, I sense darkness!"

How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change it and one to kill the other and take the credit.

How many DOCTOR McCOY'S does it take to change a light bulb? "Damn it, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not an electrician!"

****

Henry

[lswot]

good ones

[Henry J]

============================
Things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer in your company.
============================

"Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

"This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processor if I am to do battle with this code!"

"You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've heard it read it in the original Klingon."

"Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent!"

"What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."

"Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

"Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."

"I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."

"A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

"Our user's will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

============================

Other entries:

"Our competitors are without honor!"

"Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"

"My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

"Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

============================

Henry

[lswot]

hmmm....we don't seem to have a Klingon smillie. They must have removed it.....for not being Klingon enough!

[Henry J]

Yeah, we got Borg and Organian, but no Klingon. Huh.

[Henry J]

>>Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control towers from around the world:

The controller was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
~~~~~~~~~~
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
~~~~~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
~~~~~~~~~~

[Xjmt]

[lswot]

Those were great!

[Henry J]

De plane! De plane!

Continued...

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers.
The term was "GIB," which stood for, "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.
~~~~~~~~~~
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
~~~~~~~~~~
O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ...I've got that Fokker in sight.
~~~~~~~~~~~

[lswot]