Recycling

[lswot]

Ouch! That's using your head.

[Henry J]

Head's up!

[Henry J]

NEW YORK IDIOT
As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher.

They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID.

To which he replied "Yes, Officer ..... that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from".

SEATTLE IDIOT
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

*****

Henry

[Xjmt]

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Don't you wish you could respond to your customers like this!
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.
(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Henry

[lswot]

Is it safe to fly?

[Henry J]

Statistically speaking, it's still the safest way to travel.

[lswot]

Ok.....you first.

[Henry J]

Not tonight!

[Henry J]

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!
[That figures!]

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
[Or would it just go postal?]

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
[Maybe it was somebody who wanted the ones ahead of him to quit? ]

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
[Only if it's decaffeinated]

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
[Hair today, gone tomorrow?]

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
["Beer bad" - Xander Harris]

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
[What a disorienting thought!]

[Xjmt]

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Chopsticks? Tiny chopsticks?

[Henry J]

Only if they're eating chop suey!

[Xjmt]

Only if they're eating chop suey!

What IS chop suet? Is it truly Japanese?

[Henry J]

Oh. I thought it was Chinese, come to think of it, and I don't really know what it is. Similar to Chow mein, maybe?