Recycling

[lswot]

that's a goodie

[Henry J]

*****
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

*****

Henry

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

*****
Follow these steps to a full:

I will eat every meal at the table--not with one hand while I'm typing.

I will get dressed before dinnertime.

I will remember that I must clean the house, wash clothes, cook meals, and have a bath every once in a while.

I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate friends and family members that are web-deprived, and let them know I'm not dead or missing.

I will not send an email or visit a chat room (or message board) for at least 24 hours. If I can do that, I can make it!

I will not use smile icons or other internet abbreviations when I'm offline. I will read a "paper" book if I still can.

I will remember others' needs, and pry my nose off this monitor for at least an hour each evening before my beloved forgets I exist.

I will leave the house at least twice a week whether I have to or not.

I will remember that my bills must be paid even if I'm too busy to make payments because I'm on the Web.

Last, but not least, I will remember to sleep, knowing that the internet will be there tomorrow when I awake.

*****

I will not longer carry my laptop into the bathroom.

*****

[lswot]

Promises promises......

[Henry J]

That does not compute!

[Henry J]

*****

ENJOY YOUR NEW MICROSOFT CAR!

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single, "This car has performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

6. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

8. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

*****

Henry

[lswot]

I'm sooooo confused.

[lswot]

If ignorance is bliss.....why am I so confused.

[Henry J]

Eschew confusion!

[Henry J]

From another BB:

My favorite Turkey recipe

a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that.

8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.

After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's rear end blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.

*****

(Warning: Do not try this at home! )

Henry

[Henry J]

*****
Then there's the time Mom was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for the family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

*****
I just heard from Little Johnny's parents about the recent Thanksgiving dinner at their house. Little Johnny was asked what he was thankful for.

"I'm thankful I'm not a turkey."

*****

Henry

[lswot]

Eschew confusion!

Exactly!

[Henry J]

Absotively!

[Henry J]

Jasper met his buddy, Eric, at a bar. Noticing Eric was better dressed than usual Jasper said, "Nice threads, man. Where'd you pick 'em up?"

"My old lady got them for me." said Eric. "Pretty sharp, huh?"

"I'll say. What was the occasion?" asked Jasper.

"Got me." replied Eric, "I came home from work early the other day and there they were, hanging over the chair in the bedroom."

*****