Did you know.....
1. Birds of a feather flock together and poop on your car.
[Especially if you park under a tree on the day of a major avian social event.]
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
[Ouch?]
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
[What happened to "eschew obfuscation"?]
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
[Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity!]
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
[Well now that's a taxing thought.]
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
[The closed mouth gathers no foot?]
*****
Recycling
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Location:Colorado
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
[With friends like that...]
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
[Then buy a replacement for that replacement, then buy... ]
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
[I'll defer that one until later.]
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
[Goodness.]
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
[Exactly. Cause, I dind't do it.]
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
[As in "James TYBERIUS, this is Iowa, not outer space!!!!!" ]
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
[Well now that's a taxing thought.]
*****
Henry
[With friends like that...]
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
[Then buy a replacement for that replacement, then buy... ]
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
[I'll defer that one until later.]
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
[Goodness.]
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
[Exactly. Cause, I dind't do it.]
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
[As in "James TYBERIUS, this is Iowa, not outer space!!!!!" ]
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
[Well now that's a taxing thought.]
*****
Henry
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
[Well now that's a taxing thought.]
*sigh* (not really a shock......)
[Well now that's a taxing thought.]
*sigh* (not really a shock......)
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Location:Colorado
Q: What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
A: Santa Claus-trophbia.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: Subordinate Claus.
Q: What do they call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q: What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle
Q: Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's little Elvis
Q: Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A: "Rude"olph
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
CATS' TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
*****
Subject: Scrooge foiled again
A supposedly true story...
In a local county courthouse the Clerk of Court hated fake Christmas trees, so he always put up a real tree in the Clerk's office every year. One year the Fire Marshal happened to do a building inspection of the courthouse just before Christmas, while the Clerk was out to lunch, and noticed the tree. In the belief that the tree represented a fire hazard, he proceeded to write a citation for a violation of the fire code, which prohibited "live" trees in a public building, and gave it to the Clerk's assistant.
When the Clerk returned from lunch and was given the citation, he hit the roof. Determined that no Fire Marshal was going to spoil his Christmas, he decided to fight the citation. So he went to the morgue in the adjoining police station, and asked the Coroner for his help.
The Coroner came over and put a toe tag on the tree, listing the cause of death as "Being cut off at ground level".
The Clerk called the Fire Marshal back to re-inspect, and showed him the toe tag on the tree. He told him that when the Coroner pronounces something "dead", it is *legally* dead, and therefore the citation for having a "live" tree was obviously in error, and wasn't worth the paper it was written on.
The Fire Marshal thought about it, and came to the realization that, since he would have to pursue the fire code violation in that very courtroom, this was probably one argument he wasn't going to win. So he let them have their tree.
THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT TRIUMPHS OVER THE GRINCHES OF THE WORLD ONCE...... AGAIN!
*****
Henry
A: Santa Claus-trophbia.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: Subordinate Claus.
Q: What do they call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Q: What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
A: Krisp Kringle
Q: Who sings "Love Me Tender," and makes Christmas toys?
A: Santa's little Elvis
Q: Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A: "Rude"olph
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
CATS' TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
*****
Subject: Scrooge foiled again
A supposedly true story...
In a local county courthouse the Clerk of Court hated fake Christmas trees, so he always put up a real tree in the Clerk's office every year. One year the Fire Marshal happened to do a building inspection of the courthouse just before Christmas, while the Clerk was out to lunch, and noticed the tree. In the belief that the tree represented a fire hazard, he proceeded to write a citation for a violation of the fire code, which prohibited "live" trees in a public building, and gave it to the Clerk's assistant.
When the Clerk returned from lunch and was given the citation, he hit the roof. Determined that no Fire Marshal was going to spoil his Christmas, he decided to fight the citation. So he went to the morgue in the adjoining police station, and asked the Coroner for his help.
The Coroner came over and put a toe tag on the tree, listing the cause of death as "Being cut off at ground level".
The Clerk called the Fire Marshal back to re-inspect, and showed him the toe tag on the tree. He told him that when the Coroner pronounces something "dead", it is *legally* dead, and therefore the citation for having a "live" tree was obviously in error, and wasn't worth the paper it was written on.
The Fire Marshal thought about it, and came to the realization that, since he would have to pursue the fire code violation in that very courtroom, this was probably one argument he wasn't going to win. So he let them have their tree.
THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT TRIUMPHS OVER THE GRINCHES OF THE WORLD ONCE...... AGAIN!
*****
Henry
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT TRIUMPHS OVER THE GRINCHES OF THE WORLD ONCE...... AGAIN!
*****
Hurrah!!!!!!
*****
Hurrah!!!!!!
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
*****
The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree!
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.
Author Unknown
*****
Henry
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
*****
The Little Angel on the Top of the Christmas Tree!
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.
Author Unknown
*****
Henry
-
lswot
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
***********************
I thought you all might enjoy these well thought out Holiday tips...
It's that time of year when we should review our eating habits for the Holidays.
Eating Tips for the Holidays
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
Roger Stegman
***********************
I thought you all might enjoy these well thought out Holiday tips...
It's that time of year when we should review our eating habits for the Holidays.
Eating Tips for the Holidays
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
Roger Stegman
***********************
-
lswot
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:13710
- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
Very good.Or....tip: Break your tooth after the fourth bite and eschew (heehee) eating all together.
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophobia
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him
What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold
Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log
What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
*****
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophobia
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him
What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold
Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log
What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
*****
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
*****
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
[Kids say the darndest things, huh?]
*****
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
Fred Hoyle
[Forty two?]
*****
One cool judgment is worth a thousand hasty counsels. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.
Woodrow Wilson
[Let there be light!]
*****
It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.
Millard Fuller
[And didn't Gandalf say something that resembled that?]
*****
Henry
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
[Kids say the darndest things, huh?]
*****
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
Fred Hoyle
[Forty two?]
*****
One cool judgment is worth a thousand hasty counsels. The thing to do is to supply light and not heat.
Woodrow Wilson
[Let there be light!]
*****
It's not your blue blood, your pedigree or your college degree. It's what you do with your life that counts.
Millard Fuller
[And didn't Gandalf say something that resembled that?]
*****
Henry
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "Hon," I suggested, "why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven. "
*****
[Yes, dear.]
"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. "Hon," I suggested, "why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"
The expert replied, "actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven. "
*****
[Yes, dear.]
-
lswot
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the prof picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, blue books were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. What did he write, they asked.
"What chair?"
*****
Henry
Fingers flew, erasers erased, blue books were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. What did he write, they asked.
"What chair?"
*****
Henry