Teachers Jokes
The professor had just related to his history class the event where an ancient runner had covered the 29 miles from the plains of Marathon to Troy to finally cry "Victory - Victory" and then fall dead from the run. Asking for comments, the class sat quietly until one student, a cross-country team member from the back of the room quietly asked - "did anybody get his time?"
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Recycling
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
Please always remember, and don't ever forget, that, uh... Never mind, I forgot.
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
From a travel forum:
coming home from a weeks vacation with the whole family, our flight got in at about midnight. I left the wife and kids at baggage claim, while I went to retrieve the car in long term. Got off the shuttle were I THOUGHT I parked the Bronco. Starting walking. And walking. Didn't see it anywhere. Beginning to think someone stole it. After about 45 mins, and after walking for what seemed like miles, a security guard came by and asked if there was a problem, I explained my dilemma, so he told me to get in the truck and we drove up and down the rows searching. After about 30 mins of this, he gets a call on his radio. There was a women in baggage claim worried about her husband who had gone to long term parking and never returned, and had he seen anyone. He radioed back that yes, I was with him and they where having trouble finding my "Bronco".
There was a long pause, and then he came back on with... "you might wanna look for a Subaru..." DUH!!!!!!!
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coming home from a weeks vacation with the whole family, our flight got in at about midnight. I left the wife and kids at baggage claim, while I went to retrieve the car in long term. Got off the shuttle were I THOUGHT I parked the Bronco. Starting walking. And walking. Didn't see it anywhere. Beginning to think someone stole it. After about 45 mins, and after walking for what seemed like miles, a security guard came by and asked if there was a problem, I explained my dilemma, so he told me to get in the truck and we drove up and down the rows searching. After about 30 mins of this, he gets a call on his radio. There was a women in baggage claim worried about her husband who had gone to long term parking and never returned, and had he seen anyone. He radioed back that yes, I was with him and they where having trouble finding my "Bronco".
There was a long pause, and then he came back on with... "you might wanna look for a Subaru..." DUH!!!!!!!
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Doctors Jokes
Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.
She was taken into a room and told to "make herself comfortable." While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says "hello, how can I help you?"
The woman asks; "Did you attend Roosevelt High School?"
"Yes I did", the doctor answered.
She asks: "Class of 49?" "Yes I was", was the answered.
The woman was delighted, and said: "You were in my class!"
The doctor responded: "What did you teach?"
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Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.
She was taken into a room and told to "make herself comfortable." While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says "hello, how can I help you?"
The woman asks; "Did you attend Roosevelt High School?"
"Yes I did", the doctor answered.
She asks: "Class of 49?" "Yes I was", was the answered.
The woman was delighted, and said: "You were in my class!"
The doctor responded: "What did you teach?"
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lswot
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- Joined:Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:53 am
- Location:California
Re: Recycling
wrong answer
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
What's up Doc?
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Henry J
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Re: Recycling
From someplace on internet:
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My favorite Turkey recipe
a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's rear end blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.
*****
(Warning: Do not try this at home! )
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My favorite Turkey recipe
a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient -- imagine that.
8 - 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan making sure the neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey's rear end blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room,.... it's done.
*****
(Warning: Do not try this at home! )
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lswot
- Tv Watcher
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Re: Recycling
When Turkeys fly!
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Oh, do you suppose this might be why Mr. Carlson thought they could?
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lswot
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Re: Recycling
Yeah, that's it!!!!!Happy Thanksgiving!!!
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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Re: Recycling
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving.
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead it will be a decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.
They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast.
In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning, do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next
year either.
I am thankful.
*****
I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead it will be a decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them.
They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast.
In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private," meaning, do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it or leave it.
Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next
year either.
I am thankful.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
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Re: Recycling
I just heard from Little Johnny's parents about the recent Thanksgiving dinner at their house. Little Johnny was asked what he was thankful for.
"I'm thankful I'm not a turkey."
*****
The reason elections are held in November is because that is the best month to pick out a Turkey!
*****
"I'm thankful I'm not a turkey."
*****
The reason elections are held in November is because that is the best month to pick out a Turkey!
*****
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lswot
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Re: Recycling
lswoteccl 2:13
"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......
-
Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes - a building can't jump at all
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove it wasn't chicken.
Then there's the time Mom was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for the family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*****
Yes - a building can't jump at all
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove it wasn't chicken.
Then there's the time Mom was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for the family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
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- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Why can't you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside
What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!
Let us now remember what Arthur Carlson observed about turkeys:
"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."
*****
Because they use such FOWL language
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside
What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!
Let us now remember what Arthur Carlson observed about turkeys:
"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."
*****