Recycling

[Henry J]

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

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[Henry J]

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

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[Henry J]

: Police Jokes

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

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[lswot]

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[Henry J]

: Entertainment Jokes

Ladies and gentlemen, hobos and tramps,
Bug-eyed mosquitoes and bowlegged ants!
I'm about to tell you a story I've never heard before,
So pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
Admission is free, so pay at the door.

One fine day, in the middle of the night,
two, dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my lies are true,
ask the blind man, he saw it too!

(As he picked up his hammer - and saw.)

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[lswot]

Been awhile since I've heard that one.

[Henry J]

There was an Indian chief who installed electric lights in the tribal latrine, thus becoming the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.

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A closed mouth gathers no foot.

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[Henry J]

van Gogh's family tree

The Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt --------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ----- Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------- U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white ---------- Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois ------------------------------ Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ---------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin --------------------------------- A-mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------ Cant Gogh

The ballroom-dancing aunt ------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst -------------------------- E Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin ------------------------------ Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking --------------- Way to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew --------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco --------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van ------ Winnie Bay Gogh

Well, there ya Gogh

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[Henry J]

News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.
(Both crews were marooned.)

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Then there was the saw mill worker who accidentally backed into his saw.
(He got a little behind in his work.)

(Hee Haw!)

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[lswot]

.<groan>

[Henry J]

Genre: Work Jokes

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

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[Xjmt]

[lswot]

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[Henry J]

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays..."God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

(Just don't ask me what an "Antartian" might be! )

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[lswot]

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