Recycling

[Henry J]

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THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.

A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued. and WON!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART!

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA! No wonder third world countries think we're nuts!

Roger Stegman

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[Henry J]

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point ...

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[Xjmt]

Who is Roger Stegman? Name is familiar but I can't place him.

[Henry J]

He used to be on several of the BB's that I'm on. I think he's been on this one. Haven't heard from him in a while now.

[Henry J]

NOTICE

Due to the climate of political correctness now prevailing in America---

a. Kentuckians

b. Tennesseans

c. North Carolinians

d. Georgians

e. Virginians and

f. West Virginians

Will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to us as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

Thank you!

Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry....

Roger Stegman

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[Henry J]

Subject: MATH

The math teacher saw that little Timmy wasn't paying attention in Class.
She called on him and said, "Timmy!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Timmy quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

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Math funny:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

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[Henry J]

Computer funny:

An ASCII character walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "How are you, my friend?"
To which the ASCII character replied, "I've got a parity error today."
The bartender shot back, "I though you looked a bit off."

(At least it was just a bit, and not a whole nibble! )

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[Henry J]

Quantum funnies:

Neutrinos have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.

One atom to another: "I think I lost an electron."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."

(Shocking! )

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[Henry J]

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"

"What for?" the mad scientist asked.

And the policeman's answer was: For making an obscene clone fall.

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[Henry J]

News Flash: A ship carrying a cargo of red paint has collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.

Both crews were marooned.

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A good pun is its own reword.

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[lswot]

Very punny!

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

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[Henry J]

Computer terms:

24/7
The window of time in which systems are most vulnerable to attack.

Backup
A process you don't need until you don't do it.

Downtime
Refers to computer systems' natural state; the opposite of anticipated downtime.

Help desk
A place where rude people read instruction manuals to confused people over the phone, for a fee.

fIdentity theft
The transfer of your personally identifying information from corporations that want to exploit it to hackers who want to exploit it.

Logical security
A goal; also, an oxymoron.

Mission critical
adj. Term used to help hackers identify their targets.

Pharming and phishing
Ways to obtain phood.

Upgrade
The process by which you introduce new vulnerabilities into software.

Virus
Sort of like a worm, but not exactly.

Worm
Similar to a virus, but different.

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Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

To err is human; to really f-up one needs a computer (or a committee; those do it, too).

[Henry J]

Courtroom funny:

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

(Order in the court! )

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(But speaking of order in the court, how do I get one side or the other to not want me in that jury box? )