Recycling

[Henry J]

I'm trying!

[Henry J]

Entertainment Jokes

What did the young Arnold Schwarzenegger state, when attending music school in Austria, after turning down the chance to become another Beethoven, Mozart or Chopin? What did he say?

"I'll be Bach."

(How long did it take him to compose that answer? Tick, Tock!)

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[Henry J]

Miscellaneous Jokes

Isn't it strange how drivers who go slower than you are idiots and those that go faster are maniacs?

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One Liners Jokes

Ad outside a store specializing in jeans-wear: "Ladies have fits upstairs".

(So they should do their shopping on the first floor?)

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[lswot]

I'm trying!

Yes you are.

[Henry J]

[lswot]

Backatcha!

[Henry J]

Bubba had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

(Maybe on the roof?)

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[Henry J]

Political Jokes

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. "That's an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we're lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government."

"Why's that?"

"Because knowing the federal government, they'd decided to lower the highways."

(Which would make them what? Low-ways?)

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[Henry J]

My wife shared a hospital elevator with an employee who was dressed in the traditional "whites" and whose charge was a complex-looking piece of equipment. It was all chrome with a myriad of handles, bars, valves, gauges, dials and inverted bottles. "Gee," my wife said, "I would hate to be hooked up to that machine."

"So would I," the attendant replied. "This is a rug shampooer."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Clinton C. Gorman

(Sure, but shampoo is for people who can't afford the real poo...)

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Entertainment Jokes

The patient staggered to the pharmacy counter flinching.
"Say, would you give me something for my head?"

The pharmacist looked up. "Why? What would I do with it?"

(Two heads are better than one? Well, maybe not in this case.)

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[Henry J]

Bar & Drinking Jokes

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."

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[Henry J]

Holiday Jokes

A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said, "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

(The red nose knows!)

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[Henry J]

Airplane Jokes

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row.

Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. "Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"

(But don't spill it!)

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[Henry J]

Beginning gardeners work by trowel and error.

(It's a dirty job, but... )

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[lswot]

Where'd you 'dig' up tat one?

[Henry J]

Oh, it just takes an amount of trowel, sweat, and tears...

(Then duct tape to fix those tears... )