Recycling

[Henry J]

Marriage Jokes

The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted.

"What happened, Honey?" asked his wife.

"It's a great new idea I have," he gasped. "I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved 50 cents."

"That wasn't so smart," replied his wife. "Why didn't you run behind a taxi and save five dollars?"

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

I Pulled into the crowded parking lot at the shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my puppy had fresh air. She was stretched full out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

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[Henry J]

For the mathematically inclined:

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Three Indian squaws were talking around the fire one evening about the thing that made their brave husbands so proud, the number of sons they had.

Squaw number one says "I sat on deer hide and gave my man 2 beautiful sons".

Squaw number two says "I sat on a buffalo hide and gave my husband 3 strong boys".

The third squaw beamed when she said "I sat on a Hippopotamus hide and we now have 5 little sons".

So, what does this all prove? Scroll down....

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Are you ready for this?

Well........................

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It proves that the squaw of the Hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other 2 hides.

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[Henry J]

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

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One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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[Henry J]

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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[Henry J]

CAROLINA GHOST STORY

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.

Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain.

It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life.

He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown.

When just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other. "Look Bubba, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

Charles

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[lswot]

That was pretty good...….

[Henry J]

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Troubleshooting

An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Charles

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[lswot]

groan......or should that be (moaning)?

[Henry J]

Shocking!

[Henry J]

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Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, and 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safer sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school..." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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[lswot]

Time marches on...…..

[Henry J]

Yep. And every calender's days are numbered.

Oh, and also, time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana (I guess because it has a peel?).

[Henry J]

One Liners Jokes

Person at bus stop: "How long will be the next bus be?"

"About eight yards, sir."

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