Recycling

[Henry J]

: One Liners Jokes

Q: What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

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A: A nervous wreck!

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Q: What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help around the house?

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A: Lazybones

(No bones about it!)

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[lswot]

*sigh*…..what's that saying: You should be on the stage...the next ones leaves in 10 minutes.

[Henry J]

NEIGH!

[lswot]

[Henry J]

: Genie Jokes

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.

The man said:" I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime."

The genie frowned "I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking," he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"

The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".

The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

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(Lanes?!? What about gas stations, rest rooms, restaurants, motels? )

[Henry J]

"Time, we know, is relative. You can travel light years through the stars and back, and if you do it at the speed of light then, when you return, you may have aged mere seconds while your twin brother or sister will have aged twenty, thirty, forty or however many years it is, depending on how far you traveled. This will come to you as a profound shock, particularly if you didn't know you had a twin brother or sister."

(Don't we just love temporal mechanics? )

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[lswot]

Yipes...

[Henry J]

Expected Mergers

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. PolyGram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zest Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

And finally...

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

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[Henry J]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it!

If you know of anybody missing a bus please let me know so I can arrange to return it.

Thanks

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(But, watch out for the wrath of grapes, if you Kahn. )

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

What's a shotgun wedding?

A case of wife or death.

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[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Copied from an earlier BB:

My computer is in my dining area, right at the door that goes to the galley kitchen. I don't have a 'desk chair' that I keep there...so I just take one of the dining table chairs and use that.

Sometimes, if I'm just checking quick.. I won't bother with the chair and I'll just kneel down and tap the keyboard, scan quick.. and get up.

Well, I'm kneeling and typing.. and son comes downstairs and walks by saying..

"ahhhh, kneel before the computer god."

I cracked up big time!!!! and got my chair.

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[Henry J]

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror to blot it and would leave dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

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(Then there are those who only pay lip service... )

[Henry J]

Overheard in a garage:

First Woman: "I expect they'll be raising gas prices again."
Second Woman: "Won't affect me. I always put in $20 worth."

(Eat beans - America needs the gas!)

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