Recycling

[Henry J]

*****
Subject: Halloween is just around the corner...

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

"She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me.

When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, but #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic, too!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley". He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun," why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

*****

[lswot]

[Henry J]

Why does a witch ride a broom?

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The Vacuum cleaner's power is cord is too short.

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What do you call a witch's garage?

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A broom closet.

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How do you keep a monster from biting his nails?

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Give him screws.

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How can you tell a vampire likes baseball?

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Every night he turns into a bat.

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[Henry J]

Why didn't the ghost dance at the party?

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He had no body to dance with.

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How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?

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With a pumpkin patch

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What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?

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Pumpkin Pi

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What happened to the guy who didn't pay his exorcist?

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He was repossessed

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Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?

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They're afraid of flying off the handle

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[lswot]

Funny.....you are a wealth of jokes puns and what have you.
Oh wait....did I really say that?

[Henry J]

Don't worry about it; I wasn't listening.

[Henry J]

Political Jokes

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. "That's an outrageous price!" said a local farmer, "but I guess we're lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government."
"Why's that?"
"Because knowing the federal government, they'd decided to lower the highways."

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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

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Do you know the trouble with political jokes?

Too many of them get elected.

Do you know the meaning of the word "politics"?

Well, "poly" is a prefix meaning "many", and ticks are small blood sucking creatures. Put them together and...

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[lswot]

.…..congress?

[Henry J]

If "pro" is the opposite of "con", then "congress" is the opposite of...

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The reason elections are held in November is because that is the best month to pick out a Turkey!
"Maxine"

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"What do you think of Red China?" One woman asked another during a party on world affairs.
"Oh, I don't know," said the other woman. "I guess it would be all right if you use it on a white tablecloth."

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Running for Senate
A young man was running for the Senate in New York State. His political advisor heard some news that really upset him.

"Look," he said, "You've got to go to Albany right away or you'll lose a lot of votes. They're telling lies about you there."

"I've got to go to Buffalo first or I'll lose more votes," the candidate replied.

"What's going on in Buffalo?" the advisor asked.

"They're telling the truth about me there," the candidate replied.

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[Henry J]

Entertainment Jokes

A man mentioned to his landlord about the tenants in the apartment over his. "Many a night they stamp on the floor and shout till midnight." When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, "Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway."

(A two word hint to the trumpeter: Cause. Effect. )

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[lswot]

good one

[Henry J]

A Wee Bit of Scottish Humor

Mr Forsyth-Smyth was having a disastrous game of golf, much to the distress of his caddie. After slicing his drive and seeing the ball ricochet off two trees and end up in a burn, Forsyth-Smyth turned to the caddie apologetically and said "Golf is a funny old game, isn't it?" The caddie thought for a moment before slowly replying "Aye, but it's not meant to be..."

(Or to put it another way, golf is a long walk ruined!)

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[Henry J]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went fishing.

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[Henry J]

Kid Jokes

Teacher: What does your father do for a living?
Student: He is a magician.
Teacher: what is his favorite event.
Student: He cuts people in two.
Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have?
Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....

(Half and half? That could leave them beside themselves!)

(Abra cadabra!)

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[lswot]