Recycling

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Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Feb 26, 2019 6:49 pm

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

*************

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Feb 27, 2019 7:14 pm

*************
"What are you getting your husband for his birthday?"

"A new stove."

"I thought he wanted a set of golf clubs."

"He did."

"Then why are you getting him a stove?"

"Because the golf clubs didn't match the refrigerator he got me for my birthday."
*************

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Feb 28, 2019 6:59 pm

A young man with a few hours to spare one afternoon figures that if he hurries and plays fast, he can get in nine holes before he has to head home.

As he is about to tee-off, an old gentleman shuffles onto the tee and asks if he can join him. Although worried about the old man slowing him down against an already tight schedule, the young man knows it is proper golf manners to allow this...and says, please join him to the stranger.

To his surprise, the old man plays quickly. He doesn't hit the ball very far, but it goes straight. Furthermore, the old man moves along pretty good and without wasting any time is always ready to hit the ball when his turn comes.

When they reach the ninth fairway, the young man is facing a tough shot. A large pine tree sits directly in front of him and in the path he his ball must travel to hit on the green.

After several minutes pondering how to hit the shot and what club to use, the old man says... "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree with my 6 iron!"

With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around and land with a thud a the foot of the tree, only a few feet from where it had started.

"Of course," said the old man, "when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall!"
********

(That kind of advice could leave the other player out on a limb!)

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Mar 01, 2019 6:17 pm

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

*********

(FORE!)

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Mar 02, 2019 5:48 pm

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here."

********

(Say what?)

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sun Mar 03, 2019 2:37 pm

Archaeologist: a person whose career lies in ruins.

**********

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Mon Mar 04, 2019 5:07 pm

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

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Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Tue Mar 05, 2019 5:19 pm

Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Wed Mar 06, 2019 7:08 pm

A ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint.

Both crews were marooned.

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Thu Mar 07, 2019 10:17 am

:D not bad, not bad
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Thu Mar 07, 2019 7:06 pm

Why did the Zen master refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Fri Mar 08, 2019 9:39 am

hmmm.... :smile:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Fri Mar 08, 2019 6:04 pm

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?

One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

***********

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lswot
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Re: Recycling

Post by lswot » Sat Mar 09, 2019 8:31 am

Help he's fallen and he cant get up :smile:
:beamup: lswot
eccl 2:13

"A Government big enough to give you every thing you want, is big enough to take away every thing you have."
......Thomas Jefferson......

Henry J
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Re: Recycling

Post by Henry J » Sat Mar 09, 2019 3:58 pm

A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

***********

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