Recycling

[Henry J]

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes...

Two air is humane; too really skew thinks up ewe needs an computer...

I'm away from my desk - send an e-mail if the network goes down...

******

[Henry J]

Excerpted from an online BB:

Management has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. (See below) The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by December 31, 1999.

Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails
4. No expensive upgrades
5. Drastically reduced technical support costs

Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
P: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

*******

[Henry J]

Some guidelines for conversions of units (1 of 2):

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line.
(think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake

[Henry J]

Some guidelines for conversions of units (2 of 2):

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

10 cards: 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin

10 rations: 1 decoration

100 rations: 1 C-ration

2 monograms: 1 diagram

4 nickels: 2 paradigms

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League

100 Senators: Not 1 decision

******

[Henry J]

* Entropy Isn't What It Used To Be.
* Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Don't Have Film
* Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion.
* Everything Is Possible; Just Not Too Probable.
* Everything Is Unimportant In Some Way.
* Fact Of Life: A Woman Has The Last Word In Any Argument. Anything A Man Says After That Is The Beginning Of A New Argument.
* Few Women Admit Their Age; Few Men Act It.
* Fun Is Just Point Of View.
* Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
* Gravity Is A Myth, The Earth Sucks.
* Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-In-Law's Face On The Back Of A Milk Carton.
* Honesty Is The Best Policy, But Insanity Is A Better Defense.
* I Am Not A Vegetarian Because I Love Animals; I Am A Vegetarian Because I Hate Plants.
* I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
* I Hope You Sit On The Tack Of Success And Rise Rapidly.
* I May Be Fat But You're Ugly, And I Can Lose Weight.
* If At First You Do Succeed, Try Not To Look Too Astonished.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Destroy All Evidence That You Tried.
* If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.
* If Everything Is Coming Your Way, Then You're In The Wrong Lane.
* If It's Too Loud, You're Too Old.
* If Money Can't Buy Happiness, I Guess You'll Just Have To Rent It.
* If Ours Is A Man Made World, Why Can't We Remake It?
* If Swimming Is So Good For Your Figure, How Do You Explain Whales?
* If There Were No Such Thing As Bears, What Kind Of Hugs Would We Give?

******

[Henry J]

When you THINK you have a bad day, remember this one from a young mother.."I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. "Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

********

[Henry J]

When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it.

He so instructed the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin.

He said: "Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"

*****

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted: Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night," what I really mean is "Shut the f**k up!!!"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:

"Good Night, Sergeant"

*******

(G'night, Gomer!)

(Gwa-ah-ah-lee!)

[Henry J]

All I need to know about life I learned from Star Trek

Seek out new life and new civilizations.

Non-interference is the Prime Directive.

Keep your phaser set on stun.

Humans are highly illogical.

There's no such thing as a Vulcan death grip.

Live Long and prosper.

Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is not logical but it is often true.

Infinite diversity in infinite combinations (IDIC).

Tribbles hate Klingons (and Klingons hate Tribbles).

Enemies are often invisible - like Romulans, they can be cloaked.

Don't put all your ranking officers in one shuttlecraft.

When your logic fails, trust a hunch.

Insufficient data does not compute.

If it can't be fixed, just ask Scotty.

Even in our own worlds, sometimes we are aliens.

When going out into the Universe, remember, "Boldly go where no one has gone before!"

******

[Henry J]

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways.

In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial schools from kindergarten through their senior year in high school.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Meteorically, Tim and Tony rose through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal. The Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Holy Father.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The world -- Catholic, Protestant and secular -- was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called ...'Pope Secola'."

********

(Not exactly the real thing, but still! )

[Henry J]

How To Tell if You're a Geek:
You tend to save power cords from broken appliances. (But of course!)
You once took the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
A teacher ever wrote, "I don't fully understand it, but it looks like an 'A'" on your paper.
You've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.
You rotate your screen savers more often than your automobile tires.
Your IQ is a higher number than your weight. (Go Metric!)
Your toddler asks why the sky is blue, and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory.
You ran the sound system at your senior prom.
Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone.
You can type seventy words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You know what "http" stands for.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You still own a slide rule, and you know how to work it. (Yep.)
You can name six "Star Trek" episodes. (The Trouble With Tribbles, etc.)
You have a functioning home copier/scanner/fax machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
You have a habit of destroying things to see how they work.
People groan at the party when you pick out the music.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.
You spend half a plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your kid in the overhead compartment.
You've tried to repair a $5 radio
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your four basic food groups are caffeine, fat, sugar, and chocolate. (No, pizza, salad, hamburger, fries)
*****

[Henry J]

In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing.

On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.)

On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe.

On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored.

On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security.

On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good.

On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday.

On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since.

*******

(And besides, there are only 10 kinds of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.)

[Henry J]

John Mills, a high-ranking British officer stationed in France during World War II, had his staff serve him mushroom omelets every morning. This was referred to as:

General Mills Breakfast of Champignons

*****

(Yep, and there's always much room for such fun guys! )

[Henry J]

My personal trainer wants me to workout hard on my stomach muscles. He calls these exercises stomach crunches, sit ups, twists, and stretches; but I call them abominables.

(Yeah, not everybody has the stomach for that sort of thing! )