Recycling

[Henry J]

A man who was lost stumbled across a Baptism service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeded to stumble down into the water and stand next to the Minister.

The Minister turned, noticed the man and said, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The man looked back and said, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the man.

The Minister then dunked him under for a quite a bit longer, brought him up and said,"Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the man again.

Disgusted, the Minister held the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brought him up and demanded, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The man wiped his eyes and pleaded, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

******

(And here I thought he was behind the couch the whole time. Or at least that's what I heard or read somewhere.)

[Henry J]

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1. (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won.
2. So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
3. I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy.
4. God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
5. If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going.
6. At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just can't Remember It All.
7. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
8. I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do.
9. (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah.
10. If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11. Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount.
12. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
13. No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman").
14. (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off.
15. I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now.
16. (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor.

[Henry J]

Part 2 of 2

17. Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18. What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About.
19. I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian.
20. (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge.
21. Coffee, Chocolate, Men... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
22. Liberal Arts Major... Will Think For Money.
23. Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional.
24. IRS-Be Audit You Can Be.
25. Gravity... It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen.
27. Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship.
28. The Old Pro... Often Wrong... Never In Doubt.
29. If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You.
30. Old Age Comes at a Bad Time.
31. In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
32. First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

[Xjmt]

[Henry J]

Your Starship Captain just might be a redneck if...

- your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month
- he paints flames and an NRA sticker on the warp nacelles
- you have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"
- he refers to Klingons as "Critters"
- he refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"
- he has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil [Where's Scotty when you need him?]
- he installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section
- he says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"
- he hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen
- he rewires his communicator into his belt buckle
- he keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it
- he says "Yee-Ha" instead of "Engage"
- he has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser
- he insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"
- he sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"
- he programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens [Synthohol?]
- he paints the starship John Deere green
- he refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"
- he refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"
- his moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale [Synthohol?]
- he sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"
- his idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls
- he wears mirrored shades on the Bridge
- his idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies
- he sets phaser to "Cajun"

****

[Ya'll come back now, ya hear?]

[Henry J]

Star Trek Light Bulb Jokes!

How many VULCANS does it take to change a light bulb? Approximately one point zero zero zero zero...

How many BAJORANS does it take to change a light bulb? The filthy Cardassians took our light bulb !

How many KLINGONS does it take to change a light bulb? None. Burned out light bulbs have NO honor. And a true Klingon warrior is not afraid of the dark!

Q) What do they do with the dead bulb?
A) Execute it for failure.

Q) What do they do with the Klingon who replaces the bulb?
A) Execute him for cowardice.

How many BORG does it take to change a light bulb? Light bulbs are irrelevant. Changing them is futile.

How many Q does it take to change a light bulb? Here, now, wouldn't you rather have this supernova?

How many CHANGELINGS does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it will actually change INTO a light bulb. [And then you can use an Odometer to measure its output.]

How many TRIBBLES does it take to change a light bulb? 1,561,772 .......uhh,62....,ummm,63......64...... [That's the trouble with tribbles!]

How many FERENGI does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and the other to sell the broken one to an unsuspecting customer.

How many BETAZOIDS does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to do it and the other to moan, "Darkness, I sense darkness!"

How many ROMULANS does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to change it and one to kill the other and take the credit.

How many DOCTOR McCOY'S does it take to change a light bulb? "Damn it, Jim, I'm a DOCTOR, not an electrician!"

****

[Henry J]

============================
Things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer in your company.
============================

"Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

"This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processor if I am to do battle with this code!"

"You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've heard it read it in the original Klingon."

"Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent!"

"What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."

"Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

"Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."

[Henry J]

"I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."

"A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

"Our user's will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

Other entries:

"Our competitors are without honor!"

"Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"

"My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

"Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"

============================

[Henry J]

>>Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control towers from around the world:

The controller was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane? Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
~~~~~~~~~~
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first". The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
~~~~~~~~~~
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport.
~~~~~~~~~~

[Henry J]

De plane! De plane!

Continued...

Western Airlines had a term for its second officers.

The term was "GIB," which stood for, "Guy In Back." The term was strictly unofficial and was actually frowned upon by the management at Western. It seems that some wise-guy pilot had been browsing through a dictionary and had made the discovery that a "gib" is a castrated tomcat.
~~~~~~~~~~
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
~~~~~~~~~~

[Henry J]

De plane! De plane!

Continued...

O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ...I've got that Fokker in sight.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

~~~~~~~~~~~

[Henry J]

Subject: ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' CHARTS (part 1 of 3)

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

Re #1: Guess that's a matter of degree?
Re #2: Is that right?
Re #3: Knee-deep.
Re #5: Maybe the Doc needs a better bed-side manner.
Re #6: Picky picky.
Re #8: is the patient a zombie, or a vampire?

[Henry J]

Subject: ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' CHARTS (part 2 of 3)

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Re "15: is she hanging from a trapeze, or what?
Re #18: Take two acetylsalicylic acid tablets, and call somebody else in the morning.
Re #20 - That's getting to the bottom of things.

[Henry J]

Subject: ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND IN PATIENTS' CHARTS (part 3 of 3)

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Re #22 - yeah, that kind of therapy can lead to getting tired... (and running behind a car can lead to getting exhausted)
Re #29 - let's hope the patient has the stomach for the described treatment.
Re #30 - is that referring to furniture, or to, uh... never mind.

ETA

Here's another one, that was probably made up (I hope):

"He went in for an abominable examination".

[Henry J]

Subject: Court testimony

BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN YOU READ THESE. Do not attempt to read these while eating, drinking or holding sharp objects. You have been warned.

Actual word for word quotes from the witness stand:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.