Recycling

[Henry J]

SEATTLE IDIOT
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

*****

[Henry J]

Don't you wish you could respond to your customers like this!
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.

(P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough,
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

[Henry J]

Continued (2 of 2)

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

[Henry J]

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!
[That figures!]

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
[Or would it just go postal?]

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
[Maybe it was somebody who wanted the ones ahead of him to quit? ]

[lswot]

" If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
[Maybe it was somebody who wanted the ones ahead of him to quit? ]"

sounds logical

[Henry J]

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
[Only if it's decaffeinated]

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
[Hair today, gone tomorrow?]

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
["Beer bad" - Xander Harris]

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
[What a dis-orient-ing thought!]

[Henry J]

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do. . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
[Nah, those guys wouldn't be hiding in mail boxes!]

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
[But how much dirtier would it be, if the sponges weren't wiping it up?]

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
[On the other hand...]

Clones are people two.
[Or three, or four...]

[Henry J]

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
[Is he just out on a limb?]

Go ahead and take risks.... just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
[And back up your disk first]

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
[Mumble, mumble...]

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
[What a shocking thought!]

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
[Neither is deja vu!]

[Henry J]

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
[Beep beep!]

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
[people with that problem could be beside themselves!]

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
[Let's have no moo of that!]

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
[Are we there yet?]

[Henry J]

So what's the speed of dark?
[Beware the dark side of the force!]

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?
[Grunt!]

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
[Nee deep!]

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
[Squeak!]

[Henry J]

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
[Bubblewrap?]

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
[Don't make them angry. You wouldn't like them when they're angry.]

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
[I've heard that lions that the same problem.]

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
[Rats!]

[Henry J]

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
[Never underestimate human stupidity!]

How come abbreviated is such a long word?
[Want the short answer?]

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
[Or looked at from another angle, it could be just a matter of degree.]

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
[Egg rolls, maybe?]

[Henry J]

Interesting Golf Quotes:

** One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.
- Don Carter, pro bowler

** My psychiatrist prescribed a game of golf as an antidote to the feelings of euphoria I experience from time to time.
- Bruce Lansky

** Have you ever notices what golf spells backwards?
- Al Bolska

** We learn so many things from golf- how to suffer, for instance.
- Bruce Lansky

** If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
- Dean Martin

** I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.
- Buddy Hackett

** I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
- Gerald Ford

** Golf is a good walk spoiled.
--Mark Twain

FORE!

Five?

[Henry J]

Interesting Golf Quotes, part two of fore:

** It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
- Hank Aaron

** The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
- Bruce Lansky

** If you don't succeed at first, don't despair. Remember, it takes time to learn to play golf; most players spend their entire lifetime finding out about the game before they give up.
- Stephen Baker

** In golf I'm one under; one under a tree, one under a rock, and one under a bush.
- Gerry Cheevers

** The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
- Phyllis Diller

** Nobody ever looked up and saw a good shot.
- Don Herold

[Henry J]

Interesting Golf Quotes, part three of fore:

** I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing:
1. Keep your head down -
2. Follow through -
3. Be born with money
- P.J. O'Rourke

** The more I practice, the luckier I get.
- Gary Player

** I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing. Now I go to the driving range to practice slicing without swearing.
- Bruce Lansky

** What a shame to waste those great shots on the practice tee.
- Walter Hagen

** You make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands' work.
- Lee Trevino

** My ex-wife has never broken 150. I wish she would stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.
- Bruce Lansky

******