It is only when they go wrong that machines remind you how powerful they are.
Clive James
*****
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
Edward Dahlberg
*****
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
George S. Patton, General (1885-1945)
*****
Recycling
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
DEAR SIR OR MADAM
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
DEAR SIR OR MADAM, Continued...
I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
DEAR SIR OR MADAM, Continued...
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
*****
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Top 10 Reasons Why The Television Is Better Than The Web
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV -- even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
*****
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV -- even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH (1 of 2)
AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1) Air conditioning.
2) Your receipt for attending services.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
HYMN, RECESSIONAL:
The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1) Air conditioning.
2) Your receipt for attending services.
CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
HYMN, RECESSIONAL:
The last song, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
JONAH:
The original "Jaws" story.
MAGI:
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
DICTIONARY FOR THE CHURCH (2 of 2)
MANGER:
The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW:
A medieval torture device still found in most churches.
PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of service, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of service - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS:
People who have been going to church for so long, they actually know when to sit and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten List NOT given by David Letterman.
USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don't understand the seating capacity of a pew.
*****
MANGER:
The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW:
A medieval torture device still found in most churches.
PROCESSION:
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of service, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL:
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of service - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS:
People who have been going to church for so long, they actually know when to sit and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS:
The most important Top Ten List NOT given by David Letterman.
USHERS:
The only people in the parish who don't understand the seating capacity of a pew.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
Subject: Philosophy
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
ON YOUTH
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- here in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
*****
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transformation.
ON YOUTH
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- here in a jar on my desk."
-- Steven King, 3/8/90
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
*****
Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
-- English Professor, Ohio University
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
ON LAMENTATION
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth
*****
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
-- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON EXPLANATION OF THE END
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." -- Robert Firth
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse.
or
The meek shall inherit the earth - while the rest of us will escape to the stars.
ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 - not even for very large values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
*****
The more things change, the more they are the same.
Alphonse Karr
*****
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
*****
The meek shall inherit the earth - they are too weak to refuse.
or
The meek shall inherit the earth - while the rest of us will escape to the stars.
ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 - not even for very large values of 2.
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
*****
The more things change, the more they are the same.
Alphonse Karr
*****
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... "
It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
*****
It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
The reward for a thing well done is to have done it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
[I did that yesterday!]
*****
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)
[But I'm not saying what I did yesterday!
]
*****
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
[I did that yesterday!]
*****
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Aristotle Onassis (1906-1975)
[But I'm not saying what I did yesterday!
]*****
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
*****
[Sure, but does he look more like George Burns, or more like Morgan Freeman? Or maybe Chris Hemsworth?]
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
*****
[Sure, but does he look more like George Burns, or more like Morgan Freeman? Or maybe Chris Hemsworth?]
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Henry J
- Tv Watcher
- Posts:17968
- Joined:Tue Sep 02, 2003 7:21 am
- Location:Colorado
Re: Recycling
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. (If all four legs are off the ground, the horse died in battle.)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. (If all four legs are off the ground, the horse died in battle.)
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."
Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.