Recycling

[Henry J]

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."

*****

[Henry J]

Annual Alternate Word Meaning Contest

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

(to be continued... )

*****

[Henry J]

Annual Alternate Word Meaning Contest (continued)

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

*****

[Henry J]

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

*****

[Henry J]

A teacher observed a boy with dirty hands entering the classroom. She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"

With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it."

*****

[Henry J]

"If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?"
-- Milton Berle

(I'll never tell! Er?)

[Henry J]

To celebrate their 50 years of marriage, a couple booked a weekend at Pebble Beach. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, I have to confess something. Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope that you can forgive me."

The wife was hurt but said, "My dearest, those days are long gone. What we have is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed.

On the seventeenth tee the wife said to her husband, "Honey, since we're being honest I have something to tell you. Fifty two years ago I had a sex change. I was a man before we met."

The husband went into a fit! He cursed, threw his driver into the water, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, tore at his clothes, screamed and ranted, "You liar, you despicable liar! How could you? I trusted you! And to think that you've been hitting from the red tees all this time!"

*****

FORE!

[Henry J]

The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

*****

rut ro

[Henry J]

Josh had always been a big fan of Walt Disney. He saw every film that the Disney Studios put out. So it was no surprise when he headed to Disneyland looking for a job as a tour guide.

And his interview went something like this:

Interviewer: "So why would you like to work for us?"

Josh: "I've been a big fan for many years. I reckon that I know as much about your characters as anyone. I'd make a darn good tour guide."

Interviewer: "Tell you what. If you can answer 3 questions, I'll give you the job of Head Tour Guide."

Josh: "Sounds fair."

Interviewer: "First Question: Who is Mickey Mouse's girlfriend?"

Josh: "Minnie Mouse."

Interviewer: "Second Question: Name our 2 most famous dogs."

Josh: "Pluto and Goofy."

Interviewer: "Very Good. Speaking of dogs, I assume you saw the movie 101 Dalmatians?"

Josh: "Sure did."

Interviewer: "Okay, name them."

*****

(My suggestion for that question: "Spot 1. Spot 2. Spot 3. ... spot 99. Spot 100. Spot 101". )

[Henry J]

These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears.

"Okay guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really tick these bears off. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth"

"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster ticked off, and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"

"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."

*****

[Henry J]

For those who are getting along in years, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5 lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a few weeks, move up to 10 lb. potato sacks and then 50 lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

*****

[Henry J]

INFAMOUS QUOTES OF STATE TROOPERS

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them a while."

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Just how big were those 'two beers'?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.

*****

(I didn't do it!)

[Henry J]

A woman asks her husband, "How about going shopping with me?"

"I can't." he says. " I'm having a problem with my eyes."

"Oh? What's the problem?" she asks.

"I can't see myself going to shopping with you."

*****

[Henry J]

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself.

Galileo Galilei

*****

You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.

John Morley

*****

[Henry J]

One night at an economy motel, a guy ordered a 6 AM wake-up call. The next morning, he awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, he let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6 a.m.!" he complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel."

*****

(Would you like fries with that?)